A Good Good-bye

It's 6:00 pm and I'm finally able to write about today, my last day at the wonderful church I've been serving for 4 years. I kept it together pretty well, but got a little teary in the middle of my sermon when I was challenging the congregation to not neglect the ministry right under their noses; namely the children and youth.

Afterwards they had a nice reception for me and, get this, they gave me the entire 12 volumes of the New Interpreter's Bible! I about fell over! I expected something like a gift certificate to Cokesbury, but this is just too much.

Lots of hugs and lots of saying, "I'll miss you, too." I meant it, I will miss them, but I also have a deep sense of peace today.

Three of the girls in the youth group asked me to go with them to see the Harry Potter movie. Man, is that a dark movie. I mean, in terms of lack of light. I nearly fell asleep a few times, but I still enjoyed it. But they really need to get on the stick about filming the final two movies before the actors have children of their own. I'm just sayin'.

I've been a part-time associate, which has been a real gift, but now I'm looking forward to having my evenings and weekends a little bit more free. Time will tell how I will like my new job, but I'm optimistic. I start full-time tomorrow.

Harry Mania!

Okay, I gave in. I just ordered my copy of the Harry Potter book. All the talk on the webring about spoilers got to me and I can't stand being spoiled!

Also, I'll need something next weekend to take my mind off of the fact that I am no longer at my church. This should do nicely!

How Do I Trust Again?

A woman in my congregation called me tonight to tell me that her daughter had a bad experience at the daycare/preschool that I have enrolled my kids (my son just for the summer.) She didn't say that anyone hurt her daughter, but that her daughter seemed unhappy there and they didn't monitor her diet closely enough. (The daughter has a milk allergy.) This woman is a little high strung and I tend to take things that she says with a grain of salt. However, after what we experienced in May with our last child care provider, I am extra sensitive to any complaint I hear about where my children are.

My children tell me that they like this place, but are unhappy that they have to go everyday. Yeah, they know how to push my guilt buttons.

I believe this woman when she says that they had a bad experience, but I don't want to over-react because every place has someone who didn't like them for whatever reason. However, I do not want to repeat the mistake of rationalizing things that I see and hear. The sad thing is that I didn't even know that I was rationalizing. This place has internet monitoring, and believe you me, I will be monitoring.

How are you vigilant without being overly suspicious? And how can I ever trust another child care provider again?

Stuff and Things

This may sound really stupid, but I feel as if I'm leaving the pastors' club. I know there's no club and that I am certainly not leaving ministry, but I am experiencing a sense of loss thinking about not being a parish pastor.

I have worked just two days for hospice and those days have been a whirlwind of learning all about Medicare regulations. I am going to be easily spending twice as much time on paperwork as I am actually with patients. One thing is for sure, my organizational skills are going to be getting a much needed improvement! Everyone I work with is very nice and I do think that I will enjoy the work...... for awhile.

I am very concerned about our new Administrative Assistant. I do not believe that she is at all well. In the past couple of weeks she has been going on and on that someone has been coming into the church office and tampering with her computer and moving things around, so she asked that the locks be changed. Well, she is still going on about it and has accused both a session member and our former Administrative Assistant. Her proof? A text message that she said she traced to a small town about 25 miles away. Yeah, it makes no sense. She called another Session member twice on Tuesday to talk about it. The Session member then called me and said that the Admin. Assist. was rambling on and on and making no sense. She has also been out of the office all week with an ailment that she hasn't clearly explained to me. But, I don't want to ask anymore because her explanation is too convoluted and confusing. I hope that she returns to the office in a better place physically and mentally for everyone's sake. I have documented all of this for the personnel chair and for the Interim pastor when she returns from vacation. I don't envy them.

Here's a happy.... "Sally" is doing so much better! She is walking around and her thought processes seem to be okay. When I was talking to her on Thursday, she seemed as sharp as she ever was. And she is easily one of the sharpest tacks in the drawer! Praise God! Thank you for your prayers for her.

Have a blessed worship service tomorrow, y'all! I'm off to finish my Naaman sermon.

A Summary

I have so much to write about, but little energy. And that I wish to save for my family to enjoy the holiday tomorrow.

So, to sum up quickly:

• I think I'm going to like my new job and the people with whom I will be working.
• I'm afraid that the new Admin. Assistant at church is losing it.
• I am experiencing an exhilarating freedom in preaching right now.
• We're shopping for a new (to us) car. I hate the adversarial relationship I have with car salesmen.
• I visited the young woman I've been telling you about today. Let's call her Sally. Sally has been removed from the ventilator, feeding tube, and tube that was attached to her head to drain fluid. She is responsive, but fades in and out a lot. I was happy to see that she recognized me and asked about people at church. She should be moved out of the ICU tomorrow. Praise be to God!

'Night!

Update

The young woman I wrote about a few days ago is hanging in there. They are weaning her off the drugs that they were using to keep her in a coma and the doctors are encouraged by her progress. She is still, however, critical and the extent of the damage to her brain is unknown.

Thanks for your prayers.

ETA: I just realized that this is my 100th post. Wow- I still can't believe that I have a blog.

It Takes Soooo Long to Resign!

Just a quick update....

I gave my resignation to Session last night. Everyone was stunned, but very sweet and affirming.

I just returned from meeting with most of my youth group and as I told them about my leaving, it felt like all the air rushed out of the room. But they did take it well, although they are understandably concerned about the future of the youth program. I'm praying that more adults will step up after I leave.

The letter to the congregation is going out today.

I am a bit amused by my colleague's insistence that I have a performance review before I leave. Whatever.

Five Things I Dig About Jesus

I was tagged by Cathy. This has been all over the blogring, so I'm going to dispense with the instructions.

Five things I dig about Jesus...

1. He loves me. This I know, for the Bible tells me so.

2. He was a holy man AND knew how to have a good time.

3. He liked short people, including children and tax collectors.

4. He was completely present with whomever he was with.

5. He didn't teach the hokey-pokey, but he told us to love God and neighbor and to spread it all around. That's what it's all about!

I'm not sure if there's anyone who hasn't already done this, but let's try tngirl, Singing Owl, Lutheran Mom, Pastornines, and grace-thing

Update and a Prayer Request

My colleague was very supportive and kind when I told her I was resigning. I haven't told anyone else because she is calling a special Session meeting on Tuesday night. They don't know the reason for the called meeting, so I'm sure that they are confused and little ticked they have to come in.

Not looking forward to it.

Okay, I have a much more important issue to discuss. I ask for prayers for an 19 year old young woman in our church who is right now in a chemically induced coma in the ICU. On Friday night, she and some friends were goofing off and racing shopping carts in the parking lot of a mall. She toppled out of the cart head over heels and landed on her head. She had emergency surgery to remove a blood clot the size of a fist.

Her prognosis is unknown, but she does have youth on her side. The girl was a straight A student and was looking forward to her first year of college where she was going to study Engineering. She had just returned from a year studying in the Philippines. I am heartsick for her and her family. Her younger sister is a very active member of our youth group and is one of the most spiritually sensitive people, youth or otherwise, that I have ever met.

Please pray with me.

11:09 PM

I can't sleep and feel like I'm gonna hurl thinking about telling my colleague and my youth group that I am resigning. Everyone else I can handle.

A New Garden

Well, I've done it. I am now a hospice chaplain.

The interview with the other chaplains was very laid back, as they didn't bombard me with questions, but just told me about their experiences and answered my questions.

I don't think that the head chaplain and the Social Service director intended to offer me the job right then and there, but on my way out the owner of the hospice asked them, "So, did you tell her that she got the job?" They stammered and said, "Well, we were going to let you sit with this for a bit and then call you. But, do you think you want the job?" We then went back into an office to "talk turkey." The salary is several thousand more than I expected and the insurance coverage for my kids is practically nothing, which I was very concerned about since we've gotten accustomed to paid family coverage.

So, now the hard part: telling my church. My colleague is going out of town on Monday for 3 weeks, so I'll have to tell her on Sunday. The folks at hospice said that I could be part-time for a few weeks to get trained so that I can give appropriate notice to the church.

Oh, how I hate quitting a job! I've gotten sick to my stomach over quitting a paper route and when I resigned from my first call, I was completely beside myself. I know that they will be supportive and I know that my leaving will make way for ministries that are on the horizon. Namely, we are beginning to reach out to the Hispanic population of our neighborhood and have someone who is ready to lead that effort, but she does need to be paid. I am excited for what God has in store for this congregation and for the next called pastor.

Thanks, friends, for all the prayers and words of wisdom. You all are the best!

A Fork in the Road

Yesterday I had a job interview for a chaplaincy position in a local hospice and tomorrow I meet with all the chaplains. I have the feeling that I will be offered the job. I go into this a bit half-hearted because I really wanted to have a pastoral call by now. It's not happening and we are going deeper and deeper into debt. Something's gotta give and that something is me getting a more lucrative job. My part-time position with its itty-bitty salary just isn't enough.

I do enjoy pastoral care and find it a privilege to journey with people in their last days. I am intrigued about the possibility of working a Monday-Friday, 8-5 job and there is a lot of autonomy in how I spend my time. Chaplaincy certainly is a very important ministry and I am grateful that there is an opportunity for me to be in ministry in this way.

It's not only our financial situation that leads me to want to move on. Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that my job satisfaction has gone way down in the last year. I absolutely love the congregation, but I know that my purpose for being there has passed.

I spoke today with my beloved former colleague and he is concerned that I might have a hard time finding a parish ministry if I am a chaplain. It's easier to be called to a church while working in a church. I do know that ultimately I want to pastor a congregation.

I have been playing the Indigo Girls' song "Watershed" over and over the past few days.

Up on the watershed

standing in a fork in the road.

You can stand there and agonize

til your agony's your heaviest load.

Any words of wisdom out there? Would I be hurting myself professionally?

Of course, they might not even offer me the position and this whole conversation would be moot.

Eight Random Things

Towanda tagged me for this "Eight Random Things About Me" meme the other day while I was out of town. Since this meme has been all over the blogring, I'm not going to bother sharing the rules, especially since I'm going to disregard them anyway! I'll try to share different things than the "Six Weird Things About Me" meme from several weeks ago!

Let's see....

1. My older sister's and my middle name are each one half of our mother's name.


2. I hate, I hate, I hate it when someone squeaks a balloon. It hurts me physically..... really.


3. My second toe is longer than my big toe and I don't mind! My mother's toes are the same way and she once told me when I was a little girl that it signified that she was the boss! I like that interpretation!


4. My daughter went without a name for her first two days of life because she didn't look like the name we had originally chosen. The name we came up with suits her quite well!


5. I don't understand underwire bras. I mean, I know they are supposed to be more supportive, but I have been professionally fitted and still can't find one that is at all comfortable.

6. I'm discovering that it sucks to still be on vacation, but not be out of town. Well, at least when you have kids and school's out for summer!


7. I just fed my kids cereal for dinner.


8. I wish I had a gin and tonic right now.

Blogger Meet Up In Colorado!

Today I went back to my old stompin' grounds (and I did stomp a lot!) at the Iliff School of Theology in Denver. There I met up with Towanda and had a great lunch at a Chinese restaurant I used to frequent. Thankfully, the food is still delicious and I didn't have to say, "It used to be good, really!"

The roses are from my sister-in-law's back yard. She didn't have any irises. :) But we have lovely hands, don't you think?

Vacation

We're heading out early tomorrow to drive about 12 hours straight to Colorado. My husband's parents and sister and family and both of my sisters and their families live in CO. My parents are coming down from Wyoming. Lots of family time and a little camping. While in Denver, we get to meet for the first time our nephew who was born in March!

Also while in Denver, I'm going to drop by where I went to seminary, Iliff School of Theology and have a blogger meet up with Towanda. I am really excited about that!

I'll be back blogging in a week or so. Peace, y'all!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I got spoiled the first time I was seeking a call. I received and accepted a call less than a month and half after I was cleared to circulate my PIF, and the church I went to wasn't the first one to issue me a call. I'm not sure why it came so easy that time around, but it did. I do know that the PNCs (pastor search committee) I was in contact with back then were very motivated and moved very quickly, whereas the ones I've been in conversation with this time are taking their sweet time.

A few weeks ago I told a PNC that I wasn't their gal mainly because I couldn't stand the way they were going about the process. First, they didn't like my list of references because there were, "too many pastors and elders on it." Oookay. Then, it took three weeks for them to check my references because they felt they had to have the entire committee present to speak with the references. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn't and neither had any of my references.

The PNC of a congregation that I am very interested in has been dragging their feet, too. I had a terrific phone interview with them about a month ago and I know that they have called a few of references, but I hadn't heard a thing from them since the phone interview. So I e-mailed the committee chair last week to check in and ask if my sermon tape had arrived. He wrote back saying, "We haven't made any decisions yet, but you're still in the running."

Now, this bothered my husband to no end. He doesn't want me to be "in the running." He thinks that the PNC of the church I am ultimately called to will be super excited about me from the get-go and won't drag things out. You know, like it was the first time around. I've told him that we need to trust the process, that this PNC probably has some really good candidates that they are considering and that we need to be patient. But there is a part of me that wonders if he might be right. I'm not sure I want to be "in the running" either. Is this call process a horse race? Am I in competition with my fellow pastors? I don't think so, but I wonder if that's how some PNCs view the process.

So, I pray for these committees and their discernment, as well as mine, knowing that God's going to land me somewhere that's right. But could it be soon, Lord?

Last Day of Kindergarten

My little boy had his last day of Kindergarten today. For several weeks now, with good reason, my emotions have been just right under the surface and even things like McDonald's commercials have been making me cry. Yesterday, I was driving my son to school and the sappy song that goes, "Oh, how the years go by. Oh, how the love brings tears to my eyes..."
And, of course, the tears came and I was furiously wiping them away before we arrived at the school.

I am going to miss his teacher, Senor B. so much and not just because he is a gorgeous 29 year old! You can tell that he really and truly loves his job. I am so glad that my son at this age got to be influenced by a man, other than my husband, who is nurturing, intelligent, strong and loving. Also, I cannot believe how good my son's Spanish is already. It's mind-blowing, really.

Sr. B. threw a party for the last hour of the school day with cookies and awards (everyone got one.) Then, he had to go and make me cry some more! He gave each student a sealed envelope that had "Do not open until High School graduation" written on it. One step at a time, Sr. B! I'm having a hard enough time with my baby finishing Kindergarten! Don't get me thinking about his graduation! I know, I know. . . blink of an eye, they grow up so fast, blah, blah, blah, graduationcakes!

But really, that was the sweetest thing I have ever seen a teacher do. I bawled, but I wasn't the only one, gratefully.

It's only gonna get worse, isn't it?

Adoption

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, ‘Abba!Father!’ it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. (Romans 8: 14-17)

This was the text I preached from this past Pentecost and Confirmation Sunday, the Apostle Paul's beautiful and assuring words that we are God's children. The Spirit "bears witness" that we have been adopted into the family of God, which is good enough in itself, yet we also are joint heirs with Christ. What an amazing inheritance we have! What a loving, merciful, and compassionate God we worship and serve!

I don't want anyone to read this post and come away thinking that I am against adoption. I am very much a proponent of adoption. My husband and I are praying about whether or not we are being called to adopt. I know many loving and gracious people who have adopted children. These folks are among my personal heroes. Some of them read my blog (Hi, Alex!) Some have adopted from within the United States, some from overseas, while some have adopted a child who was first their foster child. Some have adopted nieces and nephews and some have adopted their spouse's child from a prior relationship.

This last scenario was how my mother came to be adopted. I wish I could say that her adoptive family exhibited the "spirit of adoption" that I admire so much in my friends who have adopted, but that was not the case, sadly. No, she was never abused or abandoned or in want, except for want of acceptance from her adoptive father's side of the family.

My mother's biological father was newly married to my grandmother when he left to fight in WWII. He was a pilot. I'm told that he was quite the go-getter and extremely intelligent. This may be just family lore, but the story goes that he was the first person ever in the army to earn his pilot's wings who didn't have a college degree. Tragically, like so many young women at this time, my grandmother became a widow at the age of 23. My grandfather had been shot down over China on Christmas Eve 1943, less than one month after my mother was born.

Three years later, my grandmother met a young man fresh out of out the service and married him 3 months later. When it was decided that this man would adopt my mother, my grandmother made a mistake that, honestly, I have a hard time forgiving her for. She gradually lessened my mother's contact with her biological dad's family, until it was non-existent. The reason given: "We didn't want to confuse her because she had a new father and a new family." In fact, my grandmother would become angry whenever my mother would ask questions about her father, so she stopped asking.

My mother describes her adoptive father as, "distant, but I knew he loved me. Although he never told me so." The grandparents were very wealthy, very proper, very tall and willowy and very concerned about what other people thought of them. My mom, who has struggled with her weight since childhood and who by nature is quite gregarious and dramatic, often felt like an embarrassment to them.

After my aunt was born, my mom had a nagging feeling that her sister was loved more than she by the grandparents. Over the years, whenever this feeling would pop up, she would dismiss it as just her insecurity talking. She certainly never voiced this feeling to anyone. By and large, my mom had a happy childhood and was close to her mother's side of the family and her sister.

My mother graduated high school and enrolled in a Junior College about 40 minutes from home. (This was where she met my dad, incidentally.) Less than a month into her Freshman year, she got the horrible news that her dad had been killed in a car accident. My poor grandmother was yet again a widow and my mom lost her father, again.

My mom's contact with this side of the family gradually lessened over the years, mainly because my dad was always moving us here, there and everywhere. I remember we used to go visit this set of grandparents every year a few days before Christmas to have "Christmas" with them. Oh, how I hated going. Not because I hated them, but because of how much my mother would freak out beforehand. We had to dress up and be lectured about how we needed to be on our best behavior:"Don't talk loud. Don't get your clothes dirty. Smile and be pleasant. Don't be opinionated- Iris, I'm talking to you!" Jeez, I felt like I was entering a Jr. Miss pageant rather than visiting my great-grandparents.

Time passed and we all got older. This great-grandfather died in 1989 and although she had Alzheimer's, my great-grandmother hung in there until 1996. As I mentioned, they were quite wealthy and they had a considerable estate. My great-grandfather had set up an enormous trust to bestow on all the grandchildren. Well, almost all the grandchildren. My mother was not listed in the will with the other grandchildren. She was included in the will, however, with my grandmother, her mother. The wording in the will was: "($$ amount) goes to our son, C.'s widow, E. and her daughter, J."

I can't even imagine what that must have felt like to my mom. She cried more than I have ever seen her cry before in my life. And these were not merely self-pitying tears, they were tears that come from having your heart broken in a thousand pieces. Although to have been included in the trust would have helped our family immensely, my mother wasn't crying over the money. This will had confirmed what she had felt intuitively since she was a little girl, that in the eyes of these people she wasn't family; she was someone else's kid that their son was forced to raise.

In the weeks and months afterwards, my mother grieved over this sense of loss, not only of this family, but of the one she had never known. I was 24 years old at the time and was living with my parents for year while I completed a year of AmeriCorps service. So, I was the one who listened and cried with my mother again and again and again. I internalized much of this hurt that my mother was experiencing and, I'm afraid, that bitterness and anger took root so deeply that it became a part of me. I'm just now beginning to see that.

Four years ago, the family that I had created with my husband, son, and daughter (in-utero) moved to this city in the Bible Belt. I haven't mentioned yet that this is the city where my mother was born and was raised in and around. A couple of months after we moved here, I announced to my mother that I was going to call her biological uncle, my great-uncle, who lives here in town. My mother had never met him and I wasn't even sure if he knew that I even existed. At first, Mom recited the "family script" of ,"No, don't bother him. Why do you want to shake things up?" I told her that shaking things up was my role in the family and that I, too, felt cheated that there was entire branch of my family tree with which I had never had any contact. "Besides," I said, "I'm looking at his name in the phone book right now and it will drive me literally insane if I don't at least try to make contact." My Mom said, "Okay, maybe if you break the ice, I'll be brave enough to meet him when I come to visit you after the baby's born." She was cautiously excited, I could tell.

On Labor Day weekend, while my older sister was visiting, I called him up. I said, "Uncle M., my name is Iris and I'm your great-niece." He was, understandably confused, until I told him that I was J.'s daughter. Silence, and then, "Oh, I was hoping that one day I would get to meet J." My sister and I went to his house the next day. He was visibly excited to meet us and was more than willing to talk about our grandfather whom we never knew. We promised to bring our mother by when my parents came to visit after my daughter was born the next month.

I can't even begin to articulate how it felt to introduce my mother to her uncle. We stayed for hours as Uncle M. told stories and we asked questions about this part of our family. Uncle M. and my grandfather were extremely close, so we couldn't have found a better person to describe to us what my grandfather was like. Well, my grandmother could have, but she wasn't willing.

I had no desire to make contact with the other family.

Why is all of this coming to the surface right now? Yesterday was Memorial Day and my family decided to go visit the graves of my biological grandfather and my great-grandparents (my grandmother's parents whom I absolutely adored.) We visited my great-grandparents' graves first. My kids asked lots of questions and we took pictures. Their graves are right next to a pretty little pond with lots of ducks, geese, and turtles, so my husband suggested that we take a walk. We were halfway around the pond when I realized that we were right by the graves of my Mom's adoptive father and his parents. Since my husband and my kids had never been to their graves, I decided to show them. My husband suggested that he take our picture and I couldn't believe the feelings that welled up inside me. "No," I said, "We've already seen my great-grandparents' graves and they are on the other side of the pond. These people were not my family!"

Within 15 seconds, a couple came up to the grave and the woman put fresh flowers on the great-grandparents' graves. I wanted to just walk away, but instead I asked if they were relatives of this family. The woman said, "Yes, they were my grandparents." I identified myself as J.'s daughter,(you'll notice not as their great-granddaughter or her cousin.) She and her husband seemed happy to see me. They knew that I lived in town and that I was a pastor. I suppose my aunt had told them. We chatted politely for a few minutes and then went on our way.

I'm not sure what to make of that. I had just made a speech that demonstrates how bitter and angry I am about this piece of my family history and at that moment members of that family show up. I know that God wants me to give up the anger and outright hostility I feel. I believe that I am more bitter than my mother is. Perhaps I felt that I had to take it on for her because I felt that somebody needed to be loyal to her. I don't know.

I do know that God, always the ultimate opportunist, has made the most of our time here in this city!

Check It Out

I read about this online labyrinth over at Towanda's place last week and I thought, "yeah, yeah, maybe I'll get around to checking that out....later." Friends, it is well worth your time.

Take some time for yourself. You've been giving and giving; it's time to receive some refreshment and nurture. It takes about 40 minutes.

Pentecost Service

We had a fantastic service this morning! Of course, it was Pentecost service, but it was also Confirmation Sunday, complete with a baptism of one of the confirmands. The confirmands were the liturgists and read their statements of faith to the congregation. Oh, and we also had communion. I am exhausted, but also very full and satisfied with how the Spirit blew through our congregation today.

I did, however, have a perplexing encounter with our music director. I heard the choir rehearsing the final hymn, "Spirit," and the organist was playing it as slow as a funeral dirge. I asked if it could please be played more quickly, as I was trying to create a joyful and celebratory mood for worship. The music director got annoyed, and in front of the choir, told me that I needed to arrange these kinds of changes beforehand. I repeated that I wanted it played faster and left. I wasn't asking for any major change like adding a hymn or asking for a soloist on a verse. Was I off base?

9:34 pm

Have you ever had one of those days when you were getting on your own nerves?

Friday Five: Hard Habit to Break

1. Have you ever successfully quit a bad habit, or gotten a good habit established? Tell us about how you did it.
Well, I used to chew on my hair. I know, that's a pretty lame habit! I'm non actually sure that I've gotten over it because for the past few years my hair has been too short to chew. I'm growing it out now, so we'll see in a few months.

2. "If only there were a 12-step program for _________________!"
American Idol! After every season I say, "I done with that," only to begin watching again when the top 24 begin to compete. (I never watch the auditions because those shows are so mean-spirited.) My Mindy Doo didn't win and I'm disillusioned, so I'm vowing not to watch again. Ask me again next winter!

3. Share one of your healthy "obsessions" with us.
I floss every single day! Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, before she has sex with a stranger, "You shouldn't neglect your gums." (She should have said, "You shouldn't neglect your dignity," but oh, well.)

4. Share the habit of a spouse, friend or loved one that drives you C-R-A-Z-Y.
Okay, when I and other normal people get their clothes out of their closets, we take the shirt (or whatever) off of the hanger and leave the hanger in the closet. My husband, on the other hand, takes the hanger out of the closet and then takes the shirt off the hanger. Now, I really don't care how he gets his clothes out of closet, except that he doesn't put the hangers back and there are fireplacin' hangers everywhere! Grrrrrrrrr..........

5. "I'd love to get into the habit of ___________________."
Yeah, that would be daily exercise.

Bonus: What is one small action you might take immediately to make #5 a reality?Tap into whatever Cathy has that is making her the amazing walking woman! But, really, I have begun to use a pedometer and my goal is 10,000 steps a day. Not, that I've gotten near that goal yet!

Bonus 2: Try it, and let us know how it goes in a future postIf I ever begin to lose this perpetually pregnant look, you will hear about it!

Here's a Question For You.

Again, thanks everyone for your words of comfort, support, and most importantly, your prayers for all involved.

Okay, new topic now.

My husband and I are having a disagreement. Is it ever okay to throw away a book if you don't want to subject anyone to the bad, bad theology contained within its pages? What if it was sent to you unsolicited?

Whatcha think?

The Media

I'm hearing from my family scattered around the country and from some of you that this story has appeared in papers nationally. I haven't gone looking because I don't have the heart, but I'm guessing that what others around the country are reading is just a blurb about what happened. Thanks again for all of your wonderful support.

I've had to stop watching the television news here, at least for now, because I get sickened both by the awfulness of it all and by how our local stations are covering it. They show footage of overturned tricycles and get up close to the chain link fence, which gives the impression that the children were in some kind of hellish prison. It's as if they are trying to give the impression that anyone with half a brain would know that this was a horrible environment for children.

Damn sensationalized news coverage.

Today

I nearly told a Session member to f***-off today after church. Instead, I channeled my inner valley girl and a very mature "Whatever!" flew out of my mouth.

I've learned that the church is not immune from those who attack when they see the slightest sign of weakness. Today I was the vulnerable one, as I shared with the congregation about all that's been going on. Needless to say, I shed a few tears as I asked the people of God to pray for all involved in this situation, including my family and another family in the church who used this childcare worker.

I've been one raw nerve since Thursday, and I did NOT want to listen to this elder as she cornered me right after service to berate me for not calling communion servers for next week. (NOT my job anyways!)

Whatever.

BTW: Thank you all so much for your kind support and prayers. I can't even begin to tell you how much it has meant to me. Of course, I don't have the words for a lot of things right now.

Update

The little boy died.

According to the police report, this woman tied his hands and covered his mouth with masking tape because he wouldn't go down for naptime.

I'm completely numb.

Stunned

My child care worker was just arrested for critically injuring a 2 year old under her care. DHS made a surprise inspection at her place when the boy was found and then rushed to the hospital. Thank God they came.

This woman has watched my children off and on for 3 years. Her in-home day-care is in a rougher neighborhood (where my church is located) and she has always taken in children who no one else would. She has come over to our house for my kid's birthday parties. She just watched my daughter this past Friday while I chaperoned my son's field trip.

Oh God, have I been blind? Ignored some big, flashing warning signs?

My children both swear that no one has ever hurt them while they were there. I still can't stop crying.

ETA: The news just reported that there was a warrant for her arrest even before this incident. Also, the child they found today was found unconscious and without a heartbeat. So, we may be talking about murder of a child. God, what if my children had been there? I am devastated and scared that there are things that my children haven't told us.

My Deep Question for the Night....

How did My Pretty Pony Disney Princess

make it to the Idol finale over "my girl, Melinder?"

Huh, America?

I mean, really!?!

More to Consider

I found out this weekend from the "Presbytery grapevine" that the pastor of a terrific, mid-size congregation in this city in the Bible Belt is leaving next month. For a long time, I have been imagining myself as the pastor of this congregation, but never believed that this particular pastor would be leaving any time soon.

I've also heard through "the grapevine" that some key lay leaders of this church have been asking my Presbytery colleagues about my potential interest in this call. Man, this would be a great call: we wouldn't have to move, the church is three blocks from my son's school, I wouldn't have to take my son out of his Spanish immersion program, I could continue in my Spiritual Director training with my group and my Spiritual Director.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!! There's always more to consider.

Since this pastor is going to be leaving next month, it will be 6 months or more (probably more) before they will be ready to begin the search process. I am certainly not arrogant enough to believe that I have a lock on the position, but it hearing about this has exposed my true feelings that were hidden even to me that I really would like to stay here in this city.

I am still rather keen on this congregation far, far away with whom I've been interviewing. I am confident that my husband and I will know what is right, when the time is right. However, sometimes I think God says to us,"This would be good *and* that would be good. You'll be useful and blessed whatever." All I know right now is that I am called to pastor a congregation and that I am languishing in my current position. I know that sounds awfully melodramatic-languishing- but that is exactly how it feels. Would I be able to wait potentially a year in order to be considered for this call, which I may or may not get?

Thanks for reading; if you're still reading, this stream of consciousness post. I feel like my brain has tilted inside of my head. Pray for me.

Seven Things

SingingOwl has tagged me for this here meme.

So, here are "Seven Things You Really Didn't Want To Know About Me and Because Of That You Never Thought To Ask"

1. I moved over 20 times before I was 10 years old. My Dad was neither a pastor nor in the military, just a restless soul.

2. I am addicted to TV show, Heroes. Before this show came on, I never felt the need to read the online forums like Television Without Pity. Now, I read the online "graphic novel" (comic book to me) and read the forums about theories about how the season will end. Will Peter explode and destroy New York? Will Sylar kill Nathan and become President? Will the indestructible cheerleader ever have a bad hair day? Yeah, I'm a freak!

3. No one over the age of 18 months is allowed to touch me with their feet. This includes my husband and children who all have rather nasty feet. After 18 months, a child's feet have been walked on long enough to have lost their cute, soft, "babiness" and have turned into sweaty, smelly, "Bam-Bam" feet. Yuck.

4. Before I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and began using a C-Pap machine at night, I would wake up in the middle of almost every night sitting up in bed with my legs crossed, my pillow in my lap and my head resting on my pillow. This was from the time I was child and everyone just thought I was strange or doing it on purpose. The reality was that I would stop breathing when I was lying down and I sat up in order to breathe.

5. Right after my daughter was delivered via emergency c-section, my doctor showed my husband my uterine fibroids before he sewed me up. It's strange to know that my husband has literally seen inside me.

6. Dick Cheney spoke at my high school graduation. You see, I graduated from Dick and Lynn's alma mater. It was 1990 and he had just become Secretary of Defense, so Secret Service was everywhere, which completely sucked! I don't remember a word that Cheney said.

7. My feet grew 1/2 a size with each baby. These are the kind of things that they don't tell you!

Since tomorrow is Friday Five, I'm going to break the rules and not tag anyone. If you want to play, let me know and I'll visit!

Just Breathe

This is morning I presented my final project for year one of Spiritual Director training, which was a six session plan for a small group to practice breath prayer. I led my class in one of the sessions and I thought that it was going to seem forced and bit artificial because of being evaluated and all. But, man, even with my lowered expectations, the Spirit showed up!

Breath prayer apparently was exactly what the group participants, including my Spiritual Director, needed this morning. After the period of silent breath prayer, we entered into a time to write in our journals and then a time to witness to one another about our experiences in the prayer time. The depth of sharing was incredible, as God had spoken to each us in surprising, unique and very intimate ways. It was actually a bit overwhelming, but only because I found myself fighting against the part of myself that doesn't like to risk vulnerability. However, since the leader of the group is a participant, I did finally relax, followed my breath, and God was there.

In breath prayer, you pray a word or short phrase or sentence along with each breath you take. This prayer form helps us to "pray without ceasing." You discover your breath prayer by imagining God asking you, "What do you want?" Then, you choose a name for God that is meaningful to you at that moment. For instance, if what you are seeking is comfort and your name for God is "Shepherd," then your breath prayer could be, "Shepherd, let me know your comfort."

My breath prayer this morning was "Spirit, help me to be ready" because I am in a discernment period and believe that my next call is imminent. As I was praying, I found that I was having a great deal of difficulty taking deep breaths. As I inhaled through my nose, I felt like something was blocking my breath. I tried breathing in through my mouth, but that was only slightly better.

I felt the Spirit saying to me, "I want to teach you something here. Relax, don't force. Part of 'being ready' is to resist your tendency to be impatient and to force. Trust me to 'ready' you and know that a congregation is being 'readied' too for your leadership." In my prayer, I also felt the freedom to "let loose" of a congregation I have been in contact with that I know in my heart is not my call. I've been holding on to them as sort of a life preserver because I am fairly certain that they would extend a call to me. (I know that sounds really arrogant, but that is the sense that I get from them.) I understand now that, in a way, my holding on to them is like blocking the breath of the Spirit.

Tonight I had a second phone interview with the PNC (search committee) from a different congregation. While some phone interviews feel like an interrogation, this was more of a meaningful conversation among friends. When I pray about this potential call, my breath is free and I am able to fill my lungs.

Graduate Recognition

Does anyone know of a good litany or prayer for graduation recognition? If so, may I borrow? Pretty, pretty please? With proper credit given in our bulletin, of course!

I'm tired of the ones I've used before and my creative well is dry right now. Many of those that I have call for the graduates to say a part in the litany, which usually is a wonderful idea. However, this year we only have one high school graduate and she would mortified to be asked to speak all by herself.

If anyone can help me out, e-mail me.

WTH?

Why are the month headings in my blog archive now in Spanish?

ETA: As soon as I posted this, it changed back to English. Is Blogger trying to gaslight me?

Friday Five: Party Time!

Songbird says: I hate to say it, but over the years I've been to too many parties where I, or the birthday child, has felt much like the chorus of Lesley Gore's old tune. I am therefore not the biggest fan of birthday parties.For this Friday (which happens to be my birthday), tell us these five things about parties, birthday or otherwise.

1) Would you rather be the host or the guest?

Oh, definitely the guest! Much less stress!

2) When you are hosting, do you clean everything up the minute the guests go home? Will you accept help with the dishes?

I'll clean up anything that might attract ants right away, but the rest probably waits until later. I absolutely would accept help with the dishes. I'd appreciate the help and often wonderful conversations arise from doing mundane tasks together.

3) If you had the wherewithal, and I guess I mean more than money, to throw a great theme party, what would the theme be?

This is less a "theme" and more of an "experience:"

I think it would be fun to spontaneously to show up at my friends' houses in a limo and then head to a spa to get pampered head to toe. Then, go to Nordstrom's and have a personal shopper choose fun "out on the town" outfits for each of us. Then we would go eat a sumptuous dinner with lots of wine and dessert, of course. I would want to "party" with only about 2 or 3 other women.

4) What's the worst time you ever had at a party?

Oh, this is easy. In my early 20's I had a crush on this cute guy from work. So, I was thrilled when one day he asked if I would like to go to a party with him that night. I was quite a bit less impressed with this fellow when we got to the party and it was a fireplacin' Amway party! To quote Deena Carter, "Did I shave my legs for this?"

5) And to end on a brighter note, what was the best?

I tend to not enjoy big bashes because it's a lot of work for me to "mill around" and be sociable. So, the best party I've ever been to was when my husband surprised me by taking the kids to a friend's house for the night and took me away to a B&B. Our room had a jacuzzi tub and there were roses and champagne waiting. Now, that is my kind of party!

Opening Up Pandora's Box

I just finished plugging in all of the relevant details of my life and ministry into the Church Leadership Connection data base. Blech! It's hard to squeeze all that I want to say into 1500 characters (not words, mind you, but characters) for each section. I'm not the most verbose pastor in the world, but that's tough to do.

I've resisted putting my name is "the system," because I much prefer to self-refer to Pastor Nominating Committees (PNC). My experience previously has been that I've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls from PNCs, mostly in areas of the country in which we aren't interested. Now, I know that the Deep South and the North East of the USA have numerous charms and delights, but no way, no how will my husband even consider living in those regions. Pretty much, if I should want to go east of the Mississippi River, I would have to go alone.

I hate having to tell a hopeful, faithful member of a PNC that I'm not even remotely interested. However, I can't do 12 phone interviews a week either and I don't want to waste a PNCs valuable time.

So, why have I opened Pandora's box and put my PIF (Personal Information Form) in the online system? I am feeling very hopeful and excited about two churches with whom I have already made contact. I am just getting concerned that perhaps I am closing myself off from potentially wonderful calls that, for whatever reason, I haven't considered.

The kaleidoscope keeps turning and I'm waiting for my piece to shift into place.

A Gift from Songbird

In the mail today I received a package from Songbird filled with some lovely smelling items: lavender scented soap, hand salve, foam bath, and candle all in a very pretty travel bag.

What did I do do deserve such wonderful self-care items, you ask? Nothing, except read and comment on her incredible blog. Apparently, a while back, mine was the 100,000 comment on her blog and she wanted to give a prize. Because we all know what a drag it is to read Songbird's blog and since no one reads it, she needs to bribe readers to drop by! ;)

But really, if there's a RevGal out there who hasn't checked out Songbird's blog (which I doubt, but you never know,) get thee to Set Free on the double to read wonderful posts from someone who really knows how to write.

Thanks, Songbird! I really appreciate the gift. How lucky am I?

Friday Five: What Are You...

1. Wearing
a pink blouse, jean capri pants, bare feet

2. Pondering
I am the moderator of a Presbytery committee and I am trying to figure out how to respond to a Presbytery colleague who has gone over my head. Hmmmmm.....

3. Reading
I just finished a delightful novel titled Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind by Ann B. Ross. It's about a proper Southern woman who find her voice and herself following the sudden death of her over-protective and patronizing husband.

4. Dreaming
I am dreaming about being the pastor of a small church in the mountains.

5. Eating
I'm eating a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal with soy milk.

Confirmation

Is it wrong to hate teaching Confirmation class?

I have three middle school girls in the class this year. They are very sweet and I love them, but Confirmation is clearly not priority for them. They have mentors that they are supposed to meet with at least 4 times to talk about spiritual journey, worship, stewardship and mission. Then they are to do an assignment reflecting what they learned. We accomplished the spiritual journey portion at the opening retreat, but they have dragged their feet on the other assignments. In fact, I cancelled last week's meeting because none of them had done their assignments. Yesterday, one girl showed up on time (with out her assignment completed) and the other two completely forgot that we had class! I gave a schedule to them AND their parents at the beginning and I make phone calls to remind them. Grrrrrr....

So, I had a "come to Jesus" conversation with them and told them that perhaps we should just cancel the class all together and try again next year. They seemed shocked that I would even consider doing that and I could see them searching my face to see if I was bluffing. I wasn't and they realized that.

So, we'll see.

Friday Five: Surprised By Joy

Jesus said to them, "Children, you have no fish, have you?" They answered him, "No."He said to them, "Cast the net to the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in because there were so many fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on some clothes, for he was naked, and jumped into the sea. (John 21:5-7)

Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5b)

Songbird says: This week I've been watching parents of the young people slain at Virgina Tech trying to make meaning out of the lives of their lost children, and each one seems to begin by focusing on something joyful about that child. It's a gift that most humans have brains wired to respond in that way. For some of us it can be harder to work our way out of dark places, but I believe joy remains the key. It is the spirit of resurrection.

Tell us about five people, places, or things that have brought surprising, healing joy into your life.

1) My husband, J.
I was not one of those little girls who had her wedding planned by the time she was 12. Before I met J., my longest dating relationship had been 4 months and I honestly didn't care if I ever got married. I met J. on New Year's Eve ... at a bar. (Anybody who knows me well thinks that is hysterical!) When I met J., my thought was ,"Oh, there you are!" We were married 8 months later and will celebrate our 9th anniversary this August. Actually, we celebrate 2 anniversaries each year; the one in August and another on New Year's Eve.

2) My children, J.H. and C.
Experiences like a few nights ago notwithstanding (see last post and comments), my children have brought inexpressible joy into my life. Before I met my husband, I never really imagined myself as a mother. In fact, I told J. that if having children was very important to him, he probably shouldn't marry me. However, the strangest thing happened, I said "I do" and then I wanted kids. It was truly that instantaneous!

I love my kids for all the ways they remind me of myself and my husband and for all the ways in which they are completely and utterly their own persons. For instance, my daughter at 3 years old has already told me all about her wedding. She says she's going to wear a white dress, white tights, white sandals, white gloves, and white headband.

3) City in the Bible Belt
I've written before about how wonderful our experience in this city has been. I never imagined that we would like living here as much as we do, as I had no idea how much this city had to offer in the way of of museums, parks, etc. I'm not sure how much longer we'll be living here, so I have been making a list of all the things I want to make sure to do here before we leave.

4) Spiritual Direction training
Last September, a pastor in our Presbytery who has a spiritual direction practice (is that the right term?) called me out of the blue to ask if I would be interested in a joining a spiritual direction group. She said that my name kept popping up to her in prayer and on my end, the topic of spiritual direction was constantly coming up in conversation and in my readings. It has been absolutely fantastic to practice many forms of prayers and learn how lead groups in these disciplines. This is year one of a 3 year course to be certified as a spiritual director.

5) RevGalBlogPals
I had been craving fellowship with a community of women pastors and for months I had been searching the Internet for such a community. However, when I would plug in "women pastors" or "female clergy" and so on in the search engine, it would only come up with sites for pastors' wives and sites dedicated to arguing against women becoming pastors. How great was my surprise and joy when I read about RevGalBlogPals in a September issue of the Christian Century! I am inspired, challenged, entertained and empowered by your posts and I cherish each and every encouraging, kind, funny and smart-assed comment you make my blog! I only wish I had found you all much, much sooner!

I'm Just Sayin'...

Dining out with a 3 year old just plain sucks.

Grief

My first thought when I heard the news yesterday was, "Dear God, not again!" It took me right back to April of 1999 when I was living in Denver and serving a church in a neighboring suburb of Littleton. I had kids in my youth group who knew some of the kids who were killed, as well as the shooters, Dylan and Eric.

Like most fo us, I suppose, I feel so helpless to do anything. So, I can only add my prayers to the prayers of so many in our country and around the world for comfort for the shocked and grief-stricken.

God help us all.

Yeah, I'm Weird.

Alex tagged me with this meme. ETA: I just discovered that Cheesehead also tagged me for this one. My weirdness is known to all, apparently! :)

I am to name six aspects of my weird self! Only six? I could go on and on, but here you go:

1. I like to drink water and I like to drink lemonade, but I don't care for lemon in my water.

2. The only Rolling Stones songs I like are in a minor key (e.g. "Paint It Black.")

3. I can whistle a tune through my rolled up tongue. My kids love it when I whistle "This Old Man" (also the tune for Barney's "I Love You" song.)

4. I hate, I hate, I hate going clothes shopping. When I need to buy new clothes, I need a chaperon to accompany me or I won't try anything on and I'll gravitate to the bookstore.

5. I don't like french fries or popcorn.

6. When I was a little girl of about five or six, I would play "church" and serve communion to my dolls. I heard the call to the pastoral ministry early in life!

I tag Hipchickmamma, Lutheran Mom and Mags

Who, Me Hyper-Critical?

I've been called out.

In the past two days, two people I love and admire, my husband and our Presbytery's General Presbyter (GP), have lovingly and gently pointed out to me that I may be putting up a wall of hyper-criticism in my search for a new call. They're right. I tend to read a CIF with an eye toward what might be wrong with these churches rather than the points of connection.

I do this because I am afraid of the "bait and switch," that I have already experienced. Back in 2001 when I accepted my first call, I was too naive and inexperienced to realize that I would never be able to live up to the unspoken expectations of many members of this church and the Head of Staff. Namely, that my mere presence as a young, 29 year old pastor would attract hoards of young families to the church. Oh, and they didn't want to change anything in order for this to happen. Disillusionment set in, on both sides, and I left after 15 months. It was definitely not what I had in mind when I first felt called to be a pastor.

Well, my husband got a job in this city and I came along with my tail between my legs, without a call. God has been good. I didn't even have to look for employment, two churches sought me out and I worked as a part-time, uninstalled pastor at both; one for 3 months and the other for 3 years and counting. It has been great, as I have been able to work as a pastor and spend lots of time with my son and daughter (who was born here 7 months after we arrived.)

So, yes I am extremely wary and careful about which churches I engage in conversion. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, but I am deluding myself in thinking that I can control everything about this call process. I can always think of a thousand reasons why a church isn't the right one: too big, too small, too rich, too poor, no Spanish immersion program for my son, they have their children's Sunday School during worship (that IS a major deal to me, however), and so on and so on.

My GP is right, I need to go into the process looking for the positives, because if I'm looking for the negatives, I'll certainly find them. What it comes down to is fear: fear that I won't find the right place.... and fear that I will. My hyper-criticism is allowing me to remain static and not have to make any decisions.

So, I did send off a sermon tape today that was requested by a PNC in a very cold state (see, there I go again!) And I continue to send my PIF out. I appreciate your prayers so much.

The kaleidoscope keeps turning...

Random Thoughts After Holy Week

I'm easing back into blogging after a bit of a drought. Here's what is on my mind this Easter Monday...

• The TV fast was so great! My kids and I did a bunch of craft projects, sang songs around the piano, read several books.
• As a result, I've established a new "no TV on school days" rule.
• My son countered with a "no blogging for Mama until kids are in bed" rule.
• He's absolutely right!
• Today I watched the American Idol episodes I taped during Holy Week. Poor Gina: she had to sing the sad Charlie Chaplin song for her sing-out. "Smile, though your heart is breaking." :( And I love Michael Buble, but I think he might have had a couple before he performed. Yikes!
• I started taking Wellbutrin last week and it seems like it's helping with my concentration and energy.
• Getting off of zoloft really sucks. I'm tapering it off like I'm supposed to, but I'm still feeling a bit nauseated and dizzy.
• My husband is getting frustrated with me becasue I am so "blah" about every Church Information Form (CIF) I read. He is so ready for me to be working full-time because there is always more month than paycheck.
• The interim pastor hasn't met a litany that she doesn't like. I'm getting really tired of having everything so dang scripted in worship.
• Yes, I know my frustration is less about her and more about my restlessness and desire to be a solo pastor.
• I'm having major guilt issues because leaving here would mean taking my son out of an amazing Spanish language immersion school. I've prayed that God would call me somewhere with a similar program, but is that trying to put conditions on God's call?

Holy Week

Let the same mind be in you that was that was in Christ Jesus,
who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited,
but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness.
And being found in human form, he humbled himself
and became obedient to the point of death— even death on a cross

Philippians 2:5-8

(Marc Chagall: The White Crucifixion)

Friday Five: Holy Week, Batman!

ReverendMother says: Well, the Clergy Superbowl is almost upon us, and so, I offer up this Friday Five (with apologies for the irreverent title):

1. Will this Sunday be Palms only, Passion only, or hyphenated?

Our service is going to be Palms to Passion. I do wish that we would just linger at Palm Sunday that day, but I'm not in charge! I suppose since many people don't come to the Holy Week services, this assures that they don't just go from celebration to celebration without experiencing some of the hard stuff.

2. Maundy Thursday Footwashing: Discuss.

Well, I grew up in a tradition before I was Presby where the men and women went to separate rooms to do the footwashing. Most of the women would wear nylons and the water would just sort of bead and run off. The Presbyterian churches I've been involved with haven't been too keen on the footwashing, but last year we did wash the children's' feet while we sang "Jesu, Jesu, Fill Us With Your Love." It was quite moving.

3. Share a particularly meaningful Good Friday worship experience.

I'm having a hard time answering this because all of the services are blurring together. I wonder what that says about me? I do find Good Friday services very meaningful.

4. Easter Sunrise Services--choose one:
a) "Resurrection tradition par excellence!"
b) "Eh. As long as it's sunrise with coffee, I can live with it."
c) "[Yawn] Can't Jesus stay in the tomb just five more minutes, Mom?!?"

A combination of all three. I love sunrise services, but I am so not a morning person! We've never had one since I've been at this church.

5. Complete this sentence: It just isn't Easter without...

Beginning the service with a stripped church from the Maundy Thursday service and bringing in the visuals (lilies, paraments, etc.) while we sing a joyful Easter hymn. Gives me chills every single time!

Bonus: I don't know much about the Easter Vigil, unfortunately. I'll look forward to reading all of your answers on this. So, my bonus will just be to tell you about a tradition that my family has for Holy week: we have a television fast. This is going to be particularly hard this year because I really want to see what hairstyle Sanjaya comes up with this week on American Idol! Is it cheating to Tivo it and watch it next week?

I'm Back, Kinda

Dell finally came through and I have another computer to replace the lemon they sold me before. I'm slowly coming back to the blogosphere, but I haven't had the heart to write anything for awhile.

I'm taking steps to try to feel better. I've been walking and watching my sugar intake, but I think that I need my meds adjusted. So, I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on Thursday. I hope to get on something that will help me not feel like I'm living my life in slow motion. Also, I hope to find a med that won't take away any and all sexual desire so that I might stay married.

On the upside, I've got really beautiful tulips in my flowerbeds right now! I wish I had a digital camera, so I could post a photo of them. In the fall, I bought a very cheap bag of bulbs at Home Depot, not expecting much from them. But they are gorgeous- some red, some yellow, some red AND yellow! I'm taking hope that I can find pleasure in this small thing.

Computers: Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them!

My computer, which is thankfully still under warranty, went to computer heaven last week. So, I'm waiting for Dell to send me a new one.

I'm beginning to feel better. Thanks for your kind comments and prayers. I'll be blogging again with gusto soon!

I'm Here, Kinda

I've been fighting a nasty cold this week and I am still in a bit of a funk, so I haven't felt like doing much of anything, including blogging. This cold keeps tricking me into thinking that I'm getting better, such as yesterday when I had lunch with Linda. Now it feels like all the gunk is making its way to my chest. Great.

I have several things brewing that I want to write about here, but I can't summon the will to do it. I am not like some bloggers who, like Henri Nouwen, are able to write poignantly and eloquently about how they are feeling when they are in the middle of a depressive episode. Words fail me. I just want to find a small, warm, soft and dark place to hide until I feel like emerging.

So, I'm here....kinda

Friday Five: Companions on the Way

Songbird says: Dante had Virgil as a guide. Before he had younger siblings, my oldest child had an imaginary friend named Patrick. Betsy had Tacy. Laura Ingalls depended on her brindle bulldog, Jack. All of them were companions on the way.

As we take the beginning steps of our journey through Lent, who would we take as a companion? Name five people, real or imaginary, you might like to have with you as guide or guardian or simply good friend.

Mary Magdalene: During Lent, I like to read the gospels and imagine events through the eyes of one of the disciples. Usually I have chosen one of the Twelve, but this year I chose Mary.

Henri Nouwen: I am in a funk right now and Nouwen is always helpful for reminding me how loved I am by God.

My pastor-mommy friend: I have a friend in my Presbytery who is my age and is someone with whom I can be real. We talk on the phone at least once a week, but I am hoping that we will get together a few times face to face during Lent.

Mother Teresa: In 1994, during my Senior year of college, I travelled with a group to Calcutta to work in the Missionaries of Charity's ministries among the "poorest of the poor." I had the incredible blessing to meet Mother Teresa and, as you can imagine, it was one of the defining moments of my life. (I promise, Hipchickmamma, I will blog about it all one day!)

Sister Mo: When I returned home from Calcutta and began my last semester of college, I was in a bad way. It's always overwhelming when you're on the verge of graduating and launching into something else. I was overwhelmed by all that; however, I was also really needing to process my experiences in India and I was beginning to sense that the denomination that nurtured and raised me was not to be the one in which I would remain.

So, on my Spring Break that year I went to a Roman Catholic retreat center in a nearby town to pray, reflect, and rest. The director of this retreat center was Sister Mo. She met with me everyday I was there, usually in the hot tub, which was very cool. I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but what she was doing was spiritual direction. Her ministry to me made a huge difference in my life.

I am now in the first year of Spiritual Director training. This week, we are practicing journaling as a form of prayer. In our class on Tuesday, we were asked to choose someone who had influenced us spiritually and journal conversation with them. At first, I thought that this was just cheesy and wondered how it could be considered prayer. I am sometimes incredibly suspicious and resistant. However, this turned out to be one of the most meaningful prayer forms we have practiced thus far. I never would have connected what I am experiencing now back to that time in my life. If you are up to reading it, I would like to share with you the "conversation" I had with Sister Mo that day.

Mo: Would you like to join me in the hot tub?

Me: Oh- that would be wonderful.

Mo: I remember chatting with you here back in 1994- you were 21 years old.

Me: Yes, I came to this retreat center for some solitude and prayer during my Spring Break my senior year.

Mo: Why did you come here instead of heading to the beach with your friends?

Me: I needed some time to reflect. I was conflicted and overwhelmed spiritually, physically and emotionally. I needed to get away from my "normal" life for awhile.

Mo: Why was that?

Me: I was about to graduate with a degree in Bible and Religion. I felt called to be a pastor, but I wasn't sure I would be able to do that in my denomination. Also, I hadn't "recovered," so to speak, form my trip to Calcutta to serve with the Missionaries of Charity. Meeting Mother Teresa and doing the work there had been THE highlight of my life, thus far. However, seeing the immense poverty made me feel that everything I was doing here in the States was unimportant- sinful even.

Mo: Wow- you did have a lot to process. Now you're here in my hot tub again 13 years later. How is what you're experiencing now similar to back in 1994?

Me: hmmm..... Well, I feel like I'm on the verge of that "next step." I'm feeling like what I'm doing now is unimportant, superfluous- perhaps even that it's sinful for me to be doing what I'm doing. pointless- worthless.

Mo: Back in 1994, how did God speak? What did God communicate to you?

Me:That in my life and ministry, then, I was being called to finish school and continued to get prepared. God told me that there was a wonderful opportunity just ahead of me. God said, 'Be patient. you'll see!'

Mo: What is God saying to you now?

Me: God is saying, "I have called you to be where you are now. Finish your work with diligence and faithfulness. There is another wonderful opportunity just ahead- you'll love it. I will bless you and your family. Be patient. You'll see!"

Mo: God is good, all the time.

Me: All the time, God is good.

Square One

I've just told the PNC I spoke to on Tuesday night that I am not the one they are seeking. I feel very good about this decision. The kaleidoscope keeps turning and, for the time being, this piece of the mosaic is staying here.

Relief

I never thought I would feel a sense of peace and relief from someone losing their job, but I do. It feels awful to admit that I am glad that someone now has to go job hunting. But that's the way I feel, especially since this termination is about, say, two years overdue.

I used to be very lukewarm about the topic of church members working as the church administrative assistant. No more! It is much too painful and much too hard to end the employment if things aren't working out. No, you have to have someone in there that sees the pastor(s) as the boss with no role confusions.

She has been given more than ample opportunity to improve her behavior, particularly her insubordinate attitude towards the pastors. I didn't realize how worn down I was feeling by it until Tuesday night's Session meeting when we were discussing her termination. When asked my thoughts, I started crying and told them that I hated going to the office because I felt abused. Now it's done and she won't be there the next time I go in.

So, I drink a glass of wine tonight and breathe a sigh of relief that no more will I have to endure in the office:

• temper tantrums when I want something changed in the worship bulletin,
• having everything I write for the church newsletter rewritten in the way she thinks it should be,
• not being able to use the second church phone line because she's on it half the day,
• having things "lost" or "forgotten" because she didn't want to deal with it,
• and especially, being treated like I'm a stupid, irresponsible kid.

I truly hope she finds a great job where she can use her considerable skills and where she gets to be the boss. Maybe now I won't get sick to my stomach just thinking about going into the church office.

I've Slept On It

This morning, my husband said to me, "I didn't say anything to you last night, but when you came out of our room after the phone interview, I could tell by your body language that you weren't very enthusiastic." He's right, I wasn't. Part of it was that I felt I rambled through the interview, but also I didn't feel that "spark" that I feel when I'm really clicking with people.

They seem like a wonderful congregation and it's in a beautiful location. I am concerned about several of the questions they asked me in the vein of "What are you going to do to attract new, younger members?" In my first call, I found out after I arrived that the underlying, unspoken expectation was that my mere presence as a, then 29 year old, young pastor was going to attract hoards of young families to the church. Of course, they weren't willing to make the changes necessary for that to happen and disillusionment set in.

I'm going to spend some more time in prayer.

Motor Mouth

I just rambled my way through an hour and a half phone interview with a PNC (Pastor Nominating Committee.) I think it went all right, but there were times when my mouth kept moving when my head was saying, "Okay, you can shut up now!"

Need sleep.

HA-HA!!!

You go, Dixie Chicks!!!

Friday Five: American Idol

Songbird says: Yes, it's true. I've been watching Season Six of American Idol with my daughter, our first time dipping into this particular well of pop culture. In the spirit of believing you can do anything, as the auditioners so clearly do, please fill in the following five blanks.

1) If I could sing like anyone, it would be Sarah McLachlan.







2) I would love to sing the song "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N'Roses. It's got a beautiful melody AND it rocks!








3) It would be really cool to sing at Red Rocks in Colorado. It is the best place to see a concert!




4) If I could sing a dream duet it would be
with Elton John of the '70s, dressed up as Donald Duck!







5) If I could sing on a TV or radio show, it would be the finale of "Thirty-Something Idol." You know they're gonna have it!

American Idol is one of my many guilty pleasures. However, I've stopped watching this season because the "auditions" have been particularly mean spirited, IMO. I'll start watching again when the talented folks start competing.

A New "I'm Sick of Being a Fat, Fat Fatty" Blog

When I had my little health scare last month I wrote about getting real about my health; my weight in particular. Several people e-mailed me to say that they were ready, too. So, I created another blog dedicated to support in this endeavor and invited those who e-mailed me. This blog is private, as I'm not sure I want to broadcast my weight and measurements for the entire blogosphere- just a small corner of it! So far, there are three of us contributing to this blog. Cool.

If anyone else is interested, e-mail me and I'll send you an invite.

For once, it'll be great to be a loser!

It Begins

The Pastor Nominating Committee of a church two time zones away wants to have a phone interview with me. This is the only church I've submitted my PIF to since I began sensing that it was time to move on. This area of the country was not even on my radar, but I liked reading their Church Information Form so much that I decided to throw my hat in the ring.

I have two competing desires right now; the desire to stay and the desire to go. I desire to stay here because I do still love my congregation and my family loves this city in the Bible Belt. My son is in a great school where he is in a Spanish language immersion program. I am very reluctant to take him out of that great opportunity. There are absolutely no PCUSA churches in this area (except mine) that are looking for a pastor right now. Even if a pastor decided to leave tomorrow, it would be a year or more before that church would be ready to call a pastor. I know in my heart that God is calling me to go sooner rather than later.

I have no idea if this church that wants to interview me is my call or someone else's. The only way to know is to talk with them, have some serious heart to heart talks with my husband and pray- a lot.

I'm Back

I guess it was a bit mean of me to write a post like my last one and then drop off the face of the earth! The day after I went to the ER, my computer had to go to the repair depot for the third time in a month and it took for-ev-er to get it back.

I am feeling fine now. Thank you to everyone who e-mailed me to check up on how I was doing. You make me feel so loved. I missed my blog friends! *sniff*