This Just In.....

It was announced this morning that there are going to be a round of layoffs across all departments, including one chaplain.

hmmmmm...... I wonder which chaplain that will be? Oh yeah, the one who just came on board fewer than four months ago, I'm sure. Although they tell me that nothing has been decided yet.

The three chaplain who remain will have crappy schedules and, of course, increased patient and bereavement caseloads on top of what already seems to be barely manageable. Two of the chaplains will have to cover the weekends.

I've been looking at unemployment benefits and it looks like I won't qualify because it's based on what you made the whole year prior, excluding the most recent quarter. Well, the most recent quarter I've been at the hospice making a pretty decent salary. Before, I was working part-time at the church making about $1200/month, not counting benefits.

Pray for me. I need a new call- pronto.

Shameless Solicitation of Ideas....

I'm in charge of planning a memorial service for those patients who have died in the past year. It's a very big deal as we invite the entire staff and, of course, family and friends of our deceased patients.

I have bulletins from past years, but I'm not inspired. We have a harpist and a vocalist. They have a tradition of each person setting a stone in a fountain in remembrance of their loved one.

Anyone have any wonderful ideas? Songs, poems, anything.....

My Week at Hospice

One of my patients I visit is an 87 year old woman with dementia who is such a hoot. (Let's call her Maxine.) Each time I visit, Maxine asks me if I have kids and when I answer "yes, I have a six year old son and a three year old daughter," she responds, "How can you have a six year old when you can't be older than nineteen!" I love Maxine.

In my past visits she might have forgotten my name, but she always knew me as the chaplain. Yesterday she didn't, and I am beginning to see signs of decline. However, she still was her hilarious self this day and, of course, we had the above mentioned conversation. Yesterday, however, she took a look at my big belly and the following conversation took place:

Maxine: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, are you?

Maxine: (laughs out loud) Oh dear, not me! I just saw your stomach and thought you were pregnant.

Me: No, I just have a big belly and I need to have some surgery to fix something in there.

(pause)

Maxine: Can you still have sex?

[end scene]

Today I officiated the funeral of "Percy," a 76 year old man who died with Alzheimer's. Percy was a golden gloves boxer who once fought Floyd Patterson at Madison Square Garden before Patterson became the world heavyweight champ. It was only one of two fights that Percy ever lost.

Percy was extremely difficult to handle, especially at night when the "Sundown Syndrome" would really kick-in. His behavior turned destructive, such as tearing the drapes off the wall and pulling the upholstery off the furniture. Last week, he took a terrible fall and broke his head open. It is hard to believe, but his behaviors got even worse. The nurse told me that oftentimes with Alzheimer's patients, wild behavior is indicative of pain. So, it was decided that he needed to be given some serious pain medication and, not too surprisingly, when his body was free from pain and was able to relax, he died a few days later.

Percy was not connected to any faith community in his adulthood and I am told by his wife that, as far as she knew, he never talked about spiritual matters. However, the last time I saw him alive he looked at me and said, "Pray for me." Four days later, he died. I wonder just how God was communicating to him in those last days.

All in all, a good week.

.....and her head did not explode!

The memorial service at the nursing home was this morning. The activities director (the anti- women minister gal) greeted my colleague and me when we arrived. Well, I should say, she nodded at me and directed all of her comments to the male chaplain. I didn't look at her during the service, so I don't know what her reaction was to my leading the majority of the service.

The service itself went very well and the family was very appreciative. The male chaplain played the guitar while leading the hymn singing. Since I don't play the guitar, I was grateful that he was there to lead that part. I could have done without him giving what amounted to another homily right after I had given mine, but whatever.

Right before we left, I saw him give the activities director his card and heard him say to her, "I'd be glad to come out and do a music program sometime." You know, I might just say to my supervisor that this guy should just be assigned to this facility.

Did I just have a massage on Sunday? Time for another one.

Sliding and Nipping

I'm stuck today between indignation and being glad to not have to do extra work.

One of my elderly patients died yesterday. She was a resident of this sad little nursing home with an Activities Director who tells anyone who will listen how awful it is that our hospice has a woman chaplain. She says, "It's not in the Bible and it's wrong!" I'm usually just happy to ignore the ranting of such people. There's nothing that I can say or do to change her mind and I'm certainly not going to stop doing what I'm doing because of anything she says.

Well, this afternoon one of my fellow chaplains, a guy, comes into my office and asks, "Was Mrs. H. your patient? Because the Activities Director at sad little nursing home just called and asked me to do her memorial service at the nursing home next week. Just thought I'd let you know. "

Huh.

My colleague never visited this woman or her family and I only did a couple of times since I've been with hospice. I talked with a family member of the deceased an hour or so later and she mentioned that they had asked the facility to coordinate with us in doing a service. I didn't get the vibe that they didn't want me involved, but that they were grief-stricken and wanted someone else to take care of arrangements.

I don't feel any special attachment to this woman, though I'm sure she was a fine person. I'm not chomping at the bit to do this service, but I wonder if I'd be doing the right thing to just let it slide. First of all, I can't let this Activities Director think that she can get in the way of my doing my job at this facility. I am the only chaplain who sees our hospice's patients at this facility. Second, I wonder if I need to say something to my colleague. Something just doesn't sit right with me about him agreeing to do a service for one of my patients.

Please tell me: am I feeling weird about this for no good reason? I don't want to be territorial, but I also don't want to let this slide when (to mix my metaphors) this is something that should be nipped in the bud.

To let slide, or to nip?......that is the question.

What Will Heaven Be Like?

Here in this city in the Bible Belt, the local grocery stores often have tables near the registers with "inspirational" books for sale. Tonight this one caught my eye, What Will Heaven Be Like? The copy in the store had a sticker affixed to it that read, "Seven Common Myths Debunked!"

Since I needed to go home to feed my children, I didn't take the time to look into the pages of the book to see what those myths were, nor did I get to read just how Mr. Hartman became such an authority on heaven. Does he read the same Bible that I read? Because my Bible is quite vague on that topic.

This is the theological emphasis that is prevalent in my city; that the life hereafter is all that truly matters. The whole point, or at least the most important part, of faith is to get a fire insurance policy against going to hell. And the way to obtain this fire insurance is to say the magic words (the "sinner's" prayer) and *poof* you're a Christian.

I'm noticing this more now than I have in the four years we've lived here because I'm realizing that I have been wrapped in a liberal cocoon, surrounded mostly by Christians who, for the most part, think like me. Of course, at Presbytery meetings, I am around folks who have a different perspective, but I tend to stick to those who, again, are a lot like me. It feels safer that way in today's PC(USA.) Safe, but not very healthy.

In my new gig as a hospice chaplain, my job is to meet people where they are spiritually and minister to them in a language that is familiar and comforting. Considering the religious ethos of this metro area, most of my patients and their families have quite a different take on things than I do. But you know what? When I act and speak in a manner that seeks to reflect the love and grace of Jesus Christ, I find that in the sacred days before death, we are speaking the same language.

A daughter of one of my patients asked me the other day, "Are you born again?" Any other time I would have bristled, but at this moment I said, "If by that you are asking if Jesus Christ is my Savior and if I believe in the God of eternity, then the answer is 'yes.'" At another time and place, this answer may not have satisfied her, but in these sacred days as she walks this journey with her dying mother, she was comforted.

There are very real, very important and very painful issues that divide us as Christians. This is how it is and I believe I am called to work toward the goal of a church and a world that reflects the justice, peace and compassion of God; oftentimes in opposition to brothers and sisters in Christ whom I believe have it all wrong. And they I.

But I wonder...maybe I'm getting just a small glimpse of what heaven is like by walking these journeys with the dying and their families. That in the final analysis, our lives will come to an end and all that matters then is that we are precious children of a loving and merciful God.

Somehow, I doubt that Jack Hartman wrote about that in his book.

ETA: For some reason blogger will not let me put spaces between my paragraphs. Sorry of it's hard to read.

Some Good News

I have a new work schedule! My hours are now 7:30 am to 3 pm, 35 hours a week.

I made this request to my supervisor several days ago thinking that it would be shot down immediately. To my surprise, when I approached her about it, she said, "I know that this transition has been hard on you and your family. I'm just glad that you aren't coming to me submitting you resignation!" So, she brought my request to her boss who said it was fine, if one of the other chaplains would agree to change his schedule a bit in order for there to be coverage until 5:00 pm. Right now, the other chaplains have a 7:30 am to 4:00 pm schedule and I didn't think that any of them would be willing to change- and I wouldn't have blamed them.

So, when my supervisor brought it up this morning at our chaplain's meeting, I expected there to be dead silence. But one of the chaplains immediately said, "I'll change. I was thinking about it anyway." I want to buy this man a steak- and I'm a vegetarian! I do think I will give him a gift certificate to a restaurant or something.

This is going to make all the difference in the world for us. My daughter will have a shorter day at preschool and I'll be able to pick my son up from the bus stop after school. I'll be able to spend more time with my kids in the afternoons and evenings than just supper, bath, and bed. This, of course, helps tremendously in my feelings about this new position. I still don't think I'll be doing this 5 years from now, but I feel like I can now settle into this ministry until God moves me on.

Dear blogpals, thank you so much for your support, especially when I was so very negative. I have a teensy bit of a problem in the trusting God department, it seems.

God is good.

I Can't Think of a Title for This Post

I've written very little lately. I think it's because I've been embarrassed to express that I'm not having that great a time in my new gig. My kids are crying everyday because they don't want to go to daycare all day and I don't blame them. And although I have been privileged already to walk with patients and their families in those sacred last days of life this side of eternity, I still feel like a cog in the machinery of this for-profit company.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a 9-5er. I feel like such a brat saying that because that is what normal people do; work and come home. Why should I think that I'm so frickin' special?

God, I wouldn't be surprised if no one reads my blog anymore. I'm getting on my own nerves.

Shifting Gears

I really should have taken at least a day off between jobs. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and I didn't feel like I could assimilate anything they were teaching me today. And there is so much for me to learn.

I am going to be glad when my training is over so that I can begin going alone on visits. I am an introvert that can play the part of an extrovert for a while, if I have some alone time. I think I am really going to like my time alone in my car as I drive to patients homes. Some of my drives are over 20 miles away.

I do think that I am going to enjoy my job, but all day today I was longing for the church, not specifically the church I just left, but just in general. I want to be fully engaged in what I am doing, but how do I do that when I know that ultimately my heart is in parish ministry? I know the answer to my own question and that is to accept this time as a gift to hone my pastoral care skills, not to mention my organization skills! I am also going to gain an understanding of folks who work M-F, 8-5 each week, which is something I have never ever done.

I have already met some incredible people and I'm sure to blog about many of the experiences I have had. Like today, I visited a women who is an immigrant from Russia and doesn't speak English. When we prayed together, she began in Russian and I continued in English; back and forth in each language until we finished the prayer. I felt like it was Pentecost!

More later!

A New Garden

Well, I've done it. I am now a hospice chaplain.

The interview with the other chaplains was very laid back, as they didn't bombard me with questions, but just told me about their experiences and answered my questions.

I don't think that the head chaplain and the Social Service director intended to offer me the job right then and there, but on my way out the owner of the hospice asked them, "So, did you tell her that she got the job?" They stammered and said, "Well, we were going to let you sit with this for a bit and then call you. But, do you think you want the job?" We then went back into an office to "talk turkey." The salary is several thousand more than I expected and the insurance coverage for my kids is practically nothing, which I was very concerned about since we've gotten accustomed to paid family coverage.

So, now the hard part: telling my church. My colleague is going out of town on Monday for 3 weeks, so I'll have to tell her on Sunday. The folks at hospice said that I could be part-time for a few weeks to get trained so that I can give appropriate notice to the church.

Oh, how I hate quitting a job! I've gotten sick to my stomach over quitting a paper route and when I resigned from my first call, I was completely beside myself. I know that they will be supportive and I know that my leaving will make way for ministries that are on the horizon. Namely, we are beginning to reach out to the Hispanic population of our neighborhood and have someone who is ready to lead that effort, but she does need to be paid. I am excited for what God has in store for this congregation and for the next called pastor.

Thanks, friends, for all the prayers and words of wisdom. You all are the best!

A Fork in the Road

Yesterday I had a job interview for a chaplaincy position in a local hospice and tomorrow I meet with all the chaplains. I have the feeling that I will be offered the job. I go into this a bit half-hearted because I really wanted to have a pastoral call by now. It's not happening and we are going deeper and deeper into debt. Something's gotta give and that something is me getting a more lucrative job. My part-time position with its itty-bitty salary just isn't enough.

I do enjoy pastoral care and find it a privilege to journey with people in their last days. I am intrigued about the possibility of working a Monday-Friday, 8-5 job and there is a lot of autonomy in how I spend my time. Chaplaincy certainly is a very important ministry and I am grateful that there is an opportunity for me to be in ministry in this way.

It's not only our financial situation that leads me to want to move on. Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that my job satisfaction has gone way down in the last year. I absolutely love the congregation, but I know that my purpose for being there has passed.

I spoke today with my beloved former colleague and he is concerned that I might have a hard time finding a parish ministry if I am a chaplain. It's easier to be called to a church while working in a church. I do know that ultimately I want to pastor a congregation.

I have been playing the Indigo Girls' song "Watershed" over and over the past few days.

Up on the watershed

standing in a fork in the road.

You can stand there and agonize

til your agony's your heaviest load.

Any words of wisdom out there? Would I be hurting myself professionally?

Of course, they might not even offer me the position and this whole conversation would be moot.