I Don't Usually Have Such Freaky Crytpic Dreams...

In that place between wakefulness and sleep this morning, I heard, or more like, felt, a voice that said,

"I am going to say a word. The first two letters in that word is my message to you. That word is 'God.'"

I woke up with that ringing in my ears and, because I'm not so with it in the morning, it took me a few seconds to figure out that the first two letters in God is G-O. Was the message, "go?"

Although I always dream very vividly, I am not accustomed to experiences such as this and it's got me a little weirded out.

The last time I felt like this was almost exactly three years ago. I was at the Princeton Youth Ministry Forum, which was held on St. Simons Island, Georgia. (fantastic place, btw.) I was in a seminar led by Ron Foster, co-author of this incredible youth ministry resource. Ron gave each of us a smooth black stone and asked us to go outside, commune with God, and seek a message from God.

At that time, I was very excited about a prospective call "back east" and was looking forward to interviewing and doing a neutral pulpit a couple of weeks from then. So, I was surprised that while sitting and looking at the ocean, the word "stay" kept coming into my mind.

When it was time to go back inside, Ron passed out metallic markers to write upon the stone words or pictures which described what God was saying to us. I wrote "stay," puzzled a little over that message, but not for very long. I tossed the stone into a front pocket of my suitcase and forgot about it.

Fast-forward a few weeks later- I had been extended the call from the church and wanted so very badly to accept it, but my husband wasn't feeling it. The day I made the phone call to reluctantly turn down the call, I was emptying out my suitcase and found the stone. Although it gave me no comfort at the time, I put it on my kitchen windowsill, where it still sits.

Now, this morning I have this strange experience with hearing the word "God" and being told, in my dreaming, that the first two letters is the message. I haven't done a lot of dream work in spiritual direction or therapy, but this would be very interesting to examine.

hmmmmmm......... maybe it was something I ate?

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!

I'm back from my pulpit supply gig. What a great morning!

• I found this morning that for the first time in two years I could fit into my favorite purple suit. So, I felt pretty today.
• I'm picking the blue play dough that I played with in the pulpit off of my rings. Yeah, I had fun!
• I most certainly did NOT preach a dud this morning. Thank you, God!
• The congregation was overwhelmingly warm and welcoming to me.
• I can tell that the two music directors are incredibly gifted musicians and are worship, rather than performance, oriented.
• They are going to elect their Pastor Nominating Committee later this month, but I have no clue how long it will take from them to be ready to review PIF's. God, help me to be patient.
• The chair-apparent of said PNC said to me after service, "So, you're going to apply, right?" This is very, very encouraging, yet at the same time, I hope that she doesn't say that kind of thing to me anymore. I know that they will be receiving PIF's from many other fine pastors and she needs to keep her mind and heart open.
• God, also help me to trust you. This may be my call..... might not.

Saturday Sermon Writing

It's almost noon on Saturday. I am doing pulpit supply tomorrow and I'm only about a quarter of the way through with writing the sermon. I really don't want to preach a dud tomorrow because I want to apply to be this congregation's pastor when the time comes.

Thank God for the 11th Hour Preacher Party over at the RevGals!

Please pray for me!

A New Garden

Well, I've done it. I am now a hospice chaplain.

The interview with the other chaplains was very laid back, as they didn't bombard me with questions, but just told me about their experiences and answered my questions.

I don't think that the head chaplain and the Social Service director intended to offer me the job right then and there, but on my way out the owner of the hospice asked them, "So, did you tell her that she got the job?" They stammered and said, "Well, we were going to let you sit with this for a bit and then call you. But, do you think you want the job?" We then went back into an office to "talk turkey." The salary is several thousand more than I expected and the insurance coverage for my kids is practically nothing, which I was very concerned about since we've gotten accustomed to paid family coverage.

So, now the hard part: telling my church. My colleague is going out of town on Monday for 3 weeks, so I'll have to tell her on Sunday. The folks at hospice said that I could be part-time for a few weeks to get trained so that I can give appropriate notice to the church.

Oh, how I hate quitting a job! I've gotten sick to my stomach over quitting a paper route and when I resigned from my first call, I was completely beside myself. I know that they will be supportive and I know that my leaving will make way for ministries that are on the horizon. Namely, we are beginning to reach out to the Hispanic population of our neighborhood and have someone who is ready to lead that effort, but she does need to be paid. I am excited for what God has in store for this congregation and for the next called pastor.

Thanks, friends, for all the prayers and words of wisdom. You all are the best!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I got spoiled the first time I was seeking a call. I received and accepted a call less than a month and half after I was cleared to circulate my PIF, and the church I went to wasn't the first one to issue me a call. I'm not sure why it came so easy that time around, but it did. I do know that the PNCs (pastor search committee) I was in contact with back then were very motivated and moved very quickly, whereas the ones I've been in conversation with this time are taking their sweet time.

A few weeks ago I told a PNC that I wasn't their gal mainly because I couldn't stand the way they were going about the process. First, they didn't like my list of references because there were, "too many pastors and elders on it." Oookay. Then, it took three weeks for them to check my references because they felt they had to have the entire committee present to speak with the references. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn't and neither had any of my references.

The PNC of a congregation that I am very interested in has been dragging their feet, too. I had a terrific phone interview with them about a month ago and I know that they have called a few of references, but I hadn't heard a thing from them since the phone interview. So I e-mailed the committee chair last week to check in and ask if my sermon tape had arrived. He wrote back saying, "We haven't made any decisions yet, but you're still in the running."

Now, this bothered my husband to no end. He doesn't want me to be "in the running." He thinks that the PNC of the church I am ultimately called to will be super excited about me from the get-go and won't drag things out. You know, like it was the first time around. I've told him that we need to trust the process, that this PNC probably has some really good candidates that they are considering and that we need to be patient. But there is a part of me that wonders if he might be right. I'm not sure I want to be "in the running" either. Is this call process a horse race? Am I in competition with my fellow pastors? I don't think so, but I wonder if that's how some PNCs view the process.

So, I pray for these committees and their discernment, as well as mine, knowing that God's going to land me somewhere that's right. But could it be soon, Lord?

More to Consider

I found out this weekend from the "Presbytery grapevine" that the pastor of a terrific, mid-size congregation in this city in the Bible Belt is leaving next month. For a long time, I have been imagining myself as the pastor of this congregation, but never believed that this particular pastor would be leaving any time soon.

I've also heard through "the grapevine" that some key lay leaders of this church have been asking my Presbytery colleagues about my potential interest in this call. Man, this would be a great call: we wouldn't have to move, the church is three blocks from my son's school, I wouldn't have to take my son out of his Spanish immersion program, I could continue in my Spiritual Director training with my group and my Spiritual Director.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!! There's always more to consider.

Since this pastor is going to be leaving next month, it will be 6 months or more (probably more) before they will be ready to begin the search process. I am certainly not arrogant enough to believe that I have a lock on the position, but it hearing about this has exposed my true feelings that were hidden even to me that I really would like to stay here in this city.

I am still rather keen on this congregation far, far away with whom I've been interviewing. I am confident that my husband and I will know what is right, when the time is right. However, sometimes I think God says to us,"This would be good *and* that would be good. You'll be useful and blessed whatever." All I know right now is that I am called to pastor a congregation and that I am languishing in my current position. I know that sounds awfully melodramatic-languishing- but that is exactly how it feels. Would I be able to wait potentially a year in order to be considered for this call, which I may or may not get?

Thanks for reading; if you're still reading, this stream of consciousness post. I feel like my brain has tilted inside of my head. Pray for me.

Just Breathe

This is morning I presented my final project for year one of Spiritual Director training, which was a six session plan for a small group to practice breath prayer. I led my class in one of the sessions and I thought that it was going to seem forced and bit artificial because of being evaluated and all. But, man, even with my lowered expectations, the Spirit showed up!

Breath prayer apparently was exactly what the group participants, including my Spiritual Director, needed this morning. After the period of silent breath prayer, we entered into a time to write in our journals and then a time to witness to one another about our experiences in the prayer time. The depth of sharing was incredible, as God had spoken to each us in surprising, unique and very intimate ways. It was actually a bit overwhelming, but only because I found myself fighting against the part of myself that doesn't like to risk vulnerability. However, since the leader of the group is a participant, I did finally relax, followed my breath, and God was there.

In breath prayer, you pray a word or short phrase or sentence along with each breath you take. This prayer form helps us to "pray without ceasing." You discover your breath prayer by imagining God asking you, "What do you want?" Then, you choose a name for God that is meaningful to you at that moment. For instance, if what you are seeking is comfort and your name for God is "Shepherd," then your breath prayer could be, "Shepherd, let me know your comfort."

My breath prayer this morning was "Spirit, help me to be ready" because I am in a discernment period and believe that my next call is imminent. As I was praying, I found that I was having a great deal of difficulty taking deep breaths. As I inhaled through my nose, I felt like something was blocking my breath. I tried breathing in through my mouth, but that was only slightly better.

I felt the Spirit saying to me, "I want to teach you something here. Relax, don't force. Part of 'being ready' is to resist your tendency to be impatient and to force. Trust me to 'ready' you and know that a congregation is being 'readied' too for your leadership." In my prayer, I also felt the freedom to "let loose" of a congregation I have been in contact with that I know in my heart is not my call. I've been holding on to them as sort of a life preserver because I am fairly certain that they would extend a call to me. (I know that sounds really arrogant, but that is the sense that I get from them.) I understand now that, in a way, my holding on to them is like blocking the breath of the Spirit.

Tonight I had a second phone interview with the PNC (search committee) from a different congregation. While some phone interviews feel like an interrogation, this was more of a meaningful conversation among friends. When I pray about this potential call, my breath is free and I am able to fill my lungs.

Opening Up Pandora's Box

I just finished plugging in all of the relevant details of my life and ministry into the Church Leadership Connection data base. Blech! It's hard to squeeze all that I want to say into 1500 characters (not words, mind you, but characters) for each section. I'm not the most verbose pastor in the world, but that's tough to do.

I've resisted putting my name is "the system," because I much prefer to self-refer to Pastor Nominating Committees (PNC). My experience previously has been that I've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls from PNCs, mostly in areas of the country in which we aren't interested. Now, I know that the Deep South and the North East of the USA have numerous charms and delights, but no way, no how will my husband even consider living in those regions. Pretty much, if I should want to go east of the Mississippi River, I would have to go alone.

I hate having to tell a hopeful, faithful member of a PNC that I'm not even remotely interested. However, I can't do 12 phone interviews a week either and I don't want to waste a PNCs valuable time.

So, why have I opened Pandora's box and put my PIF (Personal Information Form) in the online system? I am feeling very hopeful and excited about two churches with whom I have already made contact. I am just getting concerned that perhaps I am closing myself off from potentially wonderful calls that, for whatever reason, I haven't considered.

The kaleidoscope keeps turning and I'm waiting for my piece to shift into place.

Who, Me Hyper-Critical?

I've been called out.

In the past two days, two people I love and admire, my husband and our Presbytery's General Presbyter (GP), have lovingly and gently pointed out to me that I may be putting up a wall of hyper-criticism in my search for a new call. They're right. I tend to read a CIF with an eye toward what might be wrong with these churches rather than the points of connection.

I do this because I am afraid of the "bait and switch," that I have already experienced. Back in 2001 when I accepted my first call, I was too naive and inexperienced to realize that I would never be able to live up to the unspoken expectations of many members of this church and the Head of Staff. Namely, that my mere presence as a young, 29 year old pastor would attract hoards of young families to the church. Oh, and they didn't want to change anything in order for this to happen. Disillusionment set in, on both sides, and I left after 15 months. It was definitely not what I had in mind when I first felt called to be a pastor.

Well, my husband got a job in this city and I came along with my tail between my legs, without a call. God has been good. I didn't even have to look for employment, two churches sought me out and I worked as a part-time, uninstalled pastor at both; one for 3 months and the other for 3 years and counting. It has been great, as I have been able to work as a pastor and spend lots of time with my son and daughter (who was born here 7 months after we arrived.)

So, yes I am extremely wary and careful about which churches I engage in conversion. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, but I am deluding myself in thinking that I can control everything about this call process. I can always think of a thousand reasons why a church isn't the right one: too big, too small, too rich, too poor, no Spanish immersion program for my son, they have their children's Sunday School during worship (that IS a major deal to me, however), and so on and so on.

My GP is right, I need to go into the process looking for the positives, because if I'm looking for the negatives, I'll certainly find them. What it comes down to is fear: fear that I won't find the right place.... and fear that I will. My hyper-criticism is allowing me to remain static and not have to make any decisions.

So, I did send off a sermon tape today that was requested by a PNC in a very cold state (see, there I go again!) And I continue to send my PIF out. I appreciate your prayers so much.

The kaleidoscope keeps turning...

It Begins

The Pastor Nominating Committee of a church two time zones away wants to have a phone interview with me. This is the only church I've submitted my PIF to since I began sensing that it was time to move on. This area of the country was not even on my radar, but I liked reading their Church Information Form so much that I decided to throw my hat in the ring.

I have two competing desires right now; the desire to stay and the desire to go. I desire to stay here because I do still love my congregation and my family loves this city in the Bible Belt. My son is in a great school where he is in a Spanish language immersion program. I am very reluctant to take him out of that great opportunity. There are absolutely no PCUSA churches in this area (except mine) that are looking for a pastor right now. Even if a pastor decided to leave tomorrow, it would be a year or more before that church would be ready to call a pastor. I know in my heart that God is calling me to go sooner rather than later.

I have no idea if this church that wants to interview me is my call or someone else's. The only way to know is to talk with them, have some serious heart to heart talks with my husband and pray- a lot.

The Kaleidoscope

A few nights ago the mother of one our teenagers(I'll call her Rachel) called me to ask if I could meet with them to discuss "Rachel's lying." Rachel is a straight A student, sweet, cute and very serious about her faith. In short, she's every mother's dream (and every pastor's dream, for that matter!) Her mom told me that Rachel had been falling into a pattern of telling little lies to either get what she wants or avoid getting into trouble. The latest incident involved her losing her house keys and pretending to find them so that she could go to lock-in at a friend's church. I was thinking, "Okay, she sounds like a very normal 16 year old to me." But clearly, her mom was very upset about her daughter straying off the straight and narrow, so I agreed to meet with them.

So tonight I met with mom, dad, and Rachel for coffee. Rachel was, as always, very polite but clearly mortified that she had to have a meeting with her parents and the pastor. I knew that she had to feel pretty ganged up on. So after asking everyone to relay just the facts of the situation at hand, I felt that I had to let Rachel know that this meeting was not just for her benefit, but for the whole family. So I turned to Rachel and said, "Please tell me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that you're thinking, 'Mom and Dad, you should thank your lucky stars! I'm a good student. I don't drink or do drugs. And you're getting all worked up and calling the pastor because I fibbed about some house keys?'" Rachel breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank you, that's exactly how I feel about this!"

We were then able to have a really good discussion about how dishonesty can erode the trust in relationships and create big problems for a person. Rachel was also able to share how she feels that her mom and dad, in being so strict with her, sometimes create situations where she feels she has to lie in order to have any fun at all. It was a good meeting because this family genuinely loves each other and cares about their relationships.

Well,the main reason I am writing about this is because of the way I felt afterwards: hopeful, used by God, and fulfilled even. Since August, I've only felt this way in my work twice, both times after preaching good sermons. Our Interim Pastor began in August and I resumed my part-time associate position after 4 months of being the full-time acting Head of Staff. Since then, I have done precious little preaching and pastoral care, which I believe are my primary gifts for ministry. It is no wonder that I feel so energized after preaching and spending time listening to others.

I love the folks in the congregation I serve. They are truly wonderful and have been so good to me and my family. They are mission and justice oriented and have the best lay leadership, bar none. I am actually a little afraid that I have been spoiled for any other church, and I'm not really joking when I say that! However, I have for some time now been feeling the restlessness of the Spirit preparing me for a new ministry location. I just don't know what or where that will be right now. I keep having this image of a kaleidoscope in my mind. When you turn it, all the little pieces shift to create a new picture. Right now, I'm waiting for another piece to shift so I can fall into place.

In the meantime, faithfulness. And savoring ministry moments, such as tonight.