Check It Out

I read about this online labyrinth over at Towanda's place last week and I thought, "yeah, yeah, maybe I'll get around to checking that out....later." Friends, it is well worth your time.

Take some time for yourself. You've been giving and giving; it's time to receive some refreshment and nurture. It takes about 40 minutes.

Just Breathe

This is morning I presented my final project for year one of Spiritual Director training, which was a six session plan for a small group to practice breath prayer. I led my class in one of the sessions and I thought that it was going to seem forced and bit artificial because of being evaluated and all. But, man, even with my lowered expectations, the Spirit showed up!

Breath prayer apparently was exactly what the group participants, including my Spiritual Director, needed this morning. After the period of silent breath prayer, we entered into a time to write in our journals and then a time to witness to one another about our experiences in the prayer time. The depth of sharing was incredible, as God had spoken to each us in surprising, unique and very intimate ways. It was actually a bit overwhelming, but only because I found myself fighting against the part of myself that doesn't like to risk vulnerability. However, since the leader of the group is a participant, I did finally relax, followed my breath, and God was there.

In breath prayer, you pray a word or short phrase or sentence along with each breath you take. This prayer form helps us to "pray without ceasing." You discover your breath prayer by imagining God asking you, "What do you want?" Then, you choose a name for God that is meaningful to you at that moment. For instance, if what you are seeking is comfort and your name for God is "Shepherd," then your breath prayer could be, "Shepherd, let me know your comfort."

My breath prayer this morning was "Spirit, help me to be ready" because I am in a discernment period and believe that my next call is imminent. As I was praying, I found that I was having a great deal of difficulty taking deep breaths. As I inhaled through my nose, I felt like something was blocking my breath. I tried breathing in through my mouth, but that was only slightly better.

I felt the Spirit saying to me, "I want to teach you something here. Relax, don't force. Part of 'being ready' is to resist your tendency to be impatient and to force. Trust me to 'ready' you and know that a congregation is being 'readied' too for your leadership." In my prayer, I also felt the freedom to "let loose" of a congregation I have been in contact with that I know in my heart is not my call. I've been holding on to them as sort of a life preserver because I am fairly certain that they would extend a call to me. (I know that sounds really arrogant, but that is the sense that I get from them.) I understand now that, in a way, my holding on to them is like blocking the breath of the Spirit.

Tonight I had a second phone interview with the PNC (search committee) from a different congregation. While some phone interviews feel like an interrogation, this was more of a meaningful conversation among friends. When I pray about this potential call, my breath is free and I am able to fill my lungs.

Grief

My first thought when I heard the news yesterday was, "Dear God, not again!" It took me right back to April of 1999 when I was living in Denver and serving a church in a neighboring suburb of Littleton. I had kids in my youth group who knew some of the kids who were killed, as well as the shooters, Dylan and Eric.

Like most fo us, I suppose, I feel so helpless to do anything. So, I can only add my prayers to the prayers of so many in our country and around the world for comfort for the shocked and grief-stricken.

God help us all.

Friday Five: Companions on the Way

Songbird says: Dante had Virgil as a guide. Before he had younger siblings, my oldest child had an imaginary friend named Patrick. Betsy had Tacy. Laura Ingalls depended on her brindle bulldog, Jack. All of them were companions on the way.

As we take the beginning steps of our journey through Lent, who would we take as a companion? Name five people, real or imaginary, you might like to have with you as guide or guardian or simply good friend.

Mary Magdalene: During Lent, I like to read the gospels and imagine events through the eyes of one of the disciples. Usually I have chosen one of the Twelve, but this year I chose Mary.

Henri Nouwen: I am in a funk right now and Nouwen is always helpful for reminding me how loved I am by God.

My pastor-mommy friend: I have a friend in my Presbytery who is my age and is someone with whom I can be real. We talk on the phone at least once a week, but I am hoping that we will get together a few times face to face during Lent.

Mother Teresa: In 1994, during my Senior year of college, I travelled with a group to Calcutta to work in the Missionaries of Charity's ministries among the "poorest of the poor." I had the incredible blessing to meet Mother Teresa and, as you can imagine, it was one of the defining moments of my life. (I promise, Hipchickmamma, I will blog about it all one day!)

Sister Mo: When I returned home from Calcutta and began my last semester of college, I was in a bad way. It's always overwhelming when you're on the verge of graduating and launching into something else. I was overwhelmed by all that; however, I was also really needing to process my experiences in India and I was beginning to sense that the denomination that nurtured and raised me was not to be the one in which I would remain.

So, on my Spring Break that year I went to a Roman Catholic retreat center in a nearby town to pray, reflect, and rest. The director of this retreat center was Sister Mo. She met with me everyday I was there, usually in the hot tub, which was very cool. I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but what she was doing was spiritual direction. Her ministry to me made a huge difference in my life.

I am now in the first year of Spiritual Director training. This week, we are practicing journaling as a form of prayer. In our class on Tuesday, we were asked to choose someone who had influenced us spiritually and journal conversation with them. At first, I thought that this was just cheesy and wondered how it could be considered prayer. I am sometimes incredibly suspicious and resistant. However, this turned out to be one of the most meaningful prayer forms we have practiced thus far. I never would have connected what I am experiencing now back to that time in my life. If you are up to reading it, I would like to share with you the "conversation" I had with Sister Mo that day.

Mo: Would you like to join me in the hot tub?

Me: Oh- that would be wonderful.

Mo: I remember chatting with you here back in 1994- you were 21 years old.

Me: Yes, I came to this retreat center for some solitude and prayer during my Spring Break my senior year.

Mo: Why did you come here instead of heading to the beach with your friends?

Me: I needed some time to reflect. I was conflicted and overwhelmed spiritually, physically and emotionally. I needed to get away from my "normal" life for awhile.

Mo: Why was that?

Me: I was about to graduate with a degree in Bible and Religion. I felt called to be a pastor, but I wasn't sure I would be able to do that in my denomination. Also, I hadn't "recovered," so to speak, form my trip to Calcutta to serve with the Missionaries of Charity. Meeting Mother Teresa and doing the work there had been THE highlight of my life, thus far. However, seeing the immense poverty made me feel that everything I was doing here in the States was unimportant- sinful even.

Mo: Wow- you did have a lot to process. Now you're here in my hot tub again 13 years later. How is what you're experiencing now similar to back in 1994?

Me: hmmm..... Well, I feel like I'm on the verge of that "next step." I'm feeling like what I'm doing now is unimportant, superfluous- perhaps even that it's sinful for me to be doing what I'm doing. pointless- worthless.

Mo: Back in 1994, how did God speak? What did God communicate to you?

Me:That in my life and ministry, then, I was being called to finish school and continued to get prepared. God told me that there was a wonderful opportunity just ahead of me. God said, 'Be patient. you'll see!'

Mo: What is God saying to you now?

Me: God is saying, "I have called you to be where you are now. Finish your work with diligence and faithfulness. There is another wonderful opportunity just ahead- you'll love it. I will bless you and your family. Be patient. You'll see!"

Mo: God is good, all the time.

Me: All the time, God is good.

My Song for 2007

Happy New Year! I took myself to see the movie Dreamgirls the other day and ever since I have been singing this song, I Am Changing. Now, I'm not one to cry during movies- usually. But when Jennifer Hudson as Effie was singing this song (as well as I Am Tellin' You- shown in the pic), the tears were flowing and I was glad that I went to the movies by myself that day!

So, here's the song on my heart this first day of 2007; part prayer of confession; part petition; and all full of acknowledgment that no one accomplishes change all by herself.

I Am Changing

Effie:

Look at me, Look at me

I am changing

Trying every way I can

I am changing

I'll be better than I am

I'm trying to find a way to understand

But I need you, I need you

I need a hand

I am changing

Seeing everything so clear

I am changing

I'm gonna start right now, right here

I'm hoping to work it out

And I know that I can

But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool

Who said I can do it on my own

How many good friends have I already lost?

How many dog nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road

There was nothing I could find

All those years of darkness

Looking for some light

But now I can seeI am changing

Trying every way I can

I am changing

I'll be better than I am

But I need a friend

To help me start all over again

That would be just fine

I know it's gonna work out this time'

Cause this time I am

This time I am

I am changing

I'll get my life together now

I am changing

Yes I know howI'm gonna start again

I'm gonna leave my past behind

I'll change my life

I'll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now