And.....................Nothin'

It's almost 9:30 pm on Friday night and still I've heard zilch. At this point, I'm playing all kinds of scenarios out in my mind, such as:

1) They are taking a week for discernment before they extend a call.

2) They've already extended the call to the other person, but she (I know it's a she) is needing some time to decide. So, they haven't called me ,"just in case."

3) They've already extended the call to the other person and they forgot to include the kiss-off letter with the check reimbursing me for my airfare.

4) They're big jerks who have no intention of calling.

They didn't seem like big jerks to me, so #4 is out. #1 could be the case, but wouldn't they have at least dropped a quick line to both of us to that effect? Maybe, maybe not. My hunch is that #2 is what's happening. I know, I know....I can't know for sure and this speculating is only serving to drive me out of my mind. There is lots going on that I'll never ever know about and God is in control.

However, I do need to think about how I would respond should they call me in the coming days offering me the position. Do I ask if I was their second choice? Could I be okay with that if that were the case?

Honestly, I think that I am about over it all. I never have had that sense of confirmation that God is indeed calling me there. I longed for it. I prayed for it. I wanted to fall completely head over heels in love and I wanted them to fall head over heels in love with me. I really liked the PNC and I really like the location, but I just don't have the sense of joy that I need to have in considering a call.

Friends, this isn't my call, is it?

Where It Is Right Now

I hate waiting.

However, I don't know what I'd say if they did call tonight.

I'm one confused puppy.

Prayin' and Thinkin'...

I'm pressed for time today, but I wanted to let you know how it went...

I had a very good weekend. Everything went very well, preaching included. It was a fantastically beautiful weekend with lots of sunshine! The weather has been so gloomy here lately, so I appreciated the sun on my face.

I didn't end up meeting with the Committee on Ministry because they don't want to meet until they have extended a call and it has been accepted. This is weird to me because are they really going to say no after a call has been accepted? Whatever.

I wish I could say that I had a great moment of clarity while I was there, but I didn't. I could see myself living there and pastoring this congregation, but I don't have the feeling of "this is it." It could be that I am feeling guarded because I know that they are interviewing another person this weekend.

It does help that today my husband has been saying that he thinks he would like to go. He's been pretty tight-lipped about it all until now. I want him to feel quite sure about it, especially since we'd be moving to where his parents live.

Oh, on Saturday night we had dinner at a committee member's apartment- the same apartment complex as my in-laws! In fact, this committee member serves on the condo board with my father-in-law. I think she thought I was strange for not telling my in-laws I was in town, but oh well. My husband was very adamant that I not.

So, prayers for clarity and discernment for all concerned would be greatly appreciated.

Getting Ready to Go

I'm here. I have so much to write about, but haven't been able to do it. I've sat at this computer so many times in the past weeks, but couldn't get myself to type anything. This is my pattern in the "real" world, as well; when I feel overwhelmed I shut down and and don't communicate with my friends and family. Not good, I know.

In a nutshell, I feel simultaneously very blessed and very confused and angry. The confused and angry part comes from decisions that my dad is making right now. I don't have time to write about that right now, but I will one of these days. Just please pray for him and my mom.

The blessed part is that tomorrow I fly west to meet with a Pastor Nominating Committee (PNC) to be interviewed and do a neutral pulpit. For HipChick, and other non-Presbyterians, a neutral pulpit is an opportunity for the PNC to hear a candidate preach and lead worship. This is done at another church in the area because pastor candidates aren't introduced to the congregation until a call as been extended and accepted.

I will also be interviewed by an exam team from this Presbytery's Committee on Ministry. I'm actually most nervous about this because this Presbytery is, by and large, very conservative. This Presbytery is a neighboring Presbytery to where I went to seminary and does not allow its inquirers and candidates to attend my seminary. So, I am little worried that they will be prejudiced against me from the get-go and that I will be in for one doozy of an interview with the COM. So far, I have had very laid back COM interviews. Have any of you had difficulty with this part?

I'm not sure if I mentioned that this city out west is where my in-laws live. We haven't told them anything, not even that I'm in conversation with this church. The reason is that they would be devastated if it didn't work out and if I were the one to pull the plug, I'm not sure my mother-in-law would ever forgive me. So, I really hope I don't accidentally run into them! It's possible, as the church is just down the hill from their condo.

Okay, must finish sermon. I decided to preach lectionary instead of pulling out one of Iris' greatest hits, but now I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. Oh, well....

Peace to you all...

Quick Check-In

Going to interim training the week before Holy Week has made me way behind with no time to blog....rats!

But quickly...

• interim training was good, but very intense. At times I felt like it would have been more efficient to have just sliced off the tops of our heads, ala Sylar from Heroes, and just dump the information into our brains! And plenary session after plenary session was too much for this introvert to take.
• I met some fantastic people, including my great roomie and a woman who is serving on the Presbytery level for the first time. (*waves* at any new friends who may be lurking!) I sat at a table with a woman whose children's books on worship I have used extensively (think church mice.) So cool!
• Interim training has made me realize just how much I don't want to be an interim right now and that I truly long to be in a called position.
• I have been invited to fly out to a Western state in a few weeks to meet with a Pastor Nominating Committee and do a neutral pulpit.
• We still haven't made any changes to the dining room walls.

I promise I will expound upon all this after we get on the other side of Easter. Have a blessed and meaningful Good Friday.

Decision Made

The session got its act together and is offering me a fair package. Since beginning this process , I have sensed that I am called to serve this church right now. So, I am going to accept it.

Decision made. I'm ready to move forward.

thanks be to God.

Confused

I just got off the phone with the Clerk of Session of the church I thought for sure I was going to serve as interim pastor. When am I going to learn to never think anything is "for sure?"

Well, it turns out that there was some confusion at their Session meeting Thursday night concerning my pay package. There were those present who thought I had said that the figure we were talking about included Board of Pension dues (pension and medical insurance.) When they found out by the others who did not have that misunderstanding that that was not the case, they freaked out a little. So the Session decided to table the discussion until the whole Stewardship committee can meet a week from next Thursday!

I told her that I had another offer and that I could not keep them waiting for so long. Besides, my family needs me employed pronto.

I am so confused. I truly thought I would go to serve this church, as I was not as drawn to the other church. However,I told this other church that I would let them know by Monday and I know that they are clear on the package. In fact, when the man called me to offer the position to me, he repeated twice, "This is not including Board of Pensions dues."

I can't see turning down the solid offer and waiting for the other. Even if I did wait, do I still want to go to this church? Do I not accept either position and wait for a called position? What do we do for money to pay the mortgage?

I am feeling sheer panic right now and need to just calm down. I'm sorry if I'm rambling and making no sense.

Any thoughts out there?

Invited to Both Dances

Both churches have asked me to serve as their interim pastor, which is great, but I hate having to turn anyone down. I'd rather eat worms.

There really is no question, in my mind, as to which church I feel called to serve. However, my husband leans toward the other because it's a little easier to get to and, he believes, the road is safer. They are offering practically identical pay packages, so no real difference there.

Considering the situation I have found myself in with being laid-off, this truly is an extravagant blessing to be asked to serve by both churches.

Now, I just hope that I will be an effective interim.

It's Hunting (Nominating) Season

I think that I have mentioned here that my husband and children are still faithful members of the church I most recently served before becoming a hospice chaplain. Well, it didn't take the nominating committee long to swoop down on my husband now that he's no longer married to one of the pastors. Wait... that sounds like we're no longer married. You know what I mean!

Tomorrow night, two members of the nomcom are taking my hubby out to coffee with the purpose of asking him to serve on Session. He has never served on session and has, to my knowledge, never sensed the call to do so.

I'm trying very hard to keep my nose out of this decision. There's a part of me that doesn't want him to because I'd like to relish in these meeting free evenings for awhile. On the other hand, if he feels like he's called to serve in this way, I'd hate for him to say no. If he doesn't serve now, I wonder if he ever would. He has said that he absolutely would not serve as an elder of a session where I am the moderator. Not because he thinks I'm a sucky moderator, but because he fears that it wouldn't be the best thing for our marriage. I think he might be right about that.

So, what do you all think about pastors' spouses serving on session (or your denomination's equivalent?)

P.S. How do you do that neat trick where it looks like you've crossed out a word? I wanted to do that in my title, but didn't know how.

A New Garden

Well, I've done it. I am now a hospice chaplain.

The interview with the other chaplains was very laid back, as they didn't bombard me with questions, but just told me about their experiences and answered my questions.

I don't think that the head chaplain and the Social Service director intended to offer me the job right then and there, but on my way out the owner of the hospice asked them, "So, did you tell her that she got the job?" They stammered and said, "Well, we were going to let you sit with this for a bit and then call you. But, do you think you want the job?" We then went back into an office to "talk turkey." The salary is several thousand more than I expected and the insurance coverage for my kids is practically nothing, which I was very concerned about since we've gotten accustomed to paid family coverage.

So, now the hard part: telling my church. My colleague is going out of town on Monday for 3 weeks, so I'll have to tell her on Sunday. The folks at hospice said that I could be part-time for a few weeks to get trained so that I can give appropriate notice to the church.

Oh, how I hate quitting a job! I've gotten sick to my stomach over quitting a paper route and when I resigned from my first call, I was completely beside myself. I know that they will be supportive and I know that my leaving will make way for ministries that are on the horizon. Namely, we are beginning to reach out to the Hispanic population of our neighborhood and have someone who is ready to lead that effort, but she does need to be paid. I am excited for what God has in store for this congregation and for the next called pastor.

Thanks, friends, for all the prayers and words of wisdom. You all are the best!

A Fork in the Road

Yesterday I had a job interview for a chaplaincy position in a local hospice and tomorrow I meet with all the chaplains. I have the feeling that I will be offered the job. I go into this a bit half-hearted because I really wanted to have a pastoral call by now. It's not happening and we are going deeper and deeper into debt. Something's gotta give and that something is me getting a more lucrative job. My part-time position with its itty-bitty salary just isn't enough.

I do enjoy pastoral care and find it a privilege to journey with people in their last days. I am intrigued about the possibility of working a Monday-Friday, 8-5 job and there is a lot of autonomy in how I spend my time. Chaplaincy certainly is a very important ministry and I am grateful that there is an opportunity for me to be in ministry in this way.

It's not only our financial situation that leads me to want to move on. Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that my job satisfaction has gone way down in the last year. I absolutely love the congregation, but I know that my purpose for being there has passed.

I spoke today with my beloved former colleague and he is concerned that I might have a hard time finding a parish ministry if I am a chaplain. It's easier to be called to a church while working in a church. I do know that ultimately I want to pastor a congregation.

I have been playing the Indigo Girls' song "Watershed" over and over the past few days.

Up on the watershed

standing in a fork in the road.

You can stand there and agonize

til your agony's your heaviest load.

Any words of wisdom out there? Would I be hurting myself professionally?

Of course, they might not even offer me the position and this whole conversation would be moot.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I got spoiled the first time I was seeking a call. I received and accepted a call less than a month and half after I was cleared to circulate my PIF, and the church I went to wasn't the first one to issue me a call. I'm not sure why it came so easy that time around, but it did. I do know that the PNCs (pastor search committee) I was in contact with back then were very motivated and moved very quickly, whereas the ones I've been in conversation with this time are taking their sweet time.

A few weeks ago I told a PNC that I wasn't their gal mainly because I couldn't stand the way they were going about the process. First, they didn't like my list of references because there were, "too many pastors and elders on it." Oookay. Then, it took three weeks for them to check my references because they felt they had to have the entire committee present to speak with the references. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn't and neither had any of my references.

The PNC of a congregation that I am very interested in has been dragging their feet, too. I had a terrific phone interview with them about a month ago and I know that they have called a few of references, but I hadn't heard a thing from them since the phone interview. So I e-mailed the committee chair last week to check in and ask if my sermon tape had arrived. He wrote back saying, "We haven't made any decisions yet, but you're still in the running."

Now, this bothered my husband to no end. He doesn't want me to be "in the running." He thinks that the PNC of the church I am ultimately called to will be super excited about me from the get-go and won't drag things out. You know, like it was the first time around. I've told him that we need to trust the process, that this PNC probably has some really good candidates that they are considering and that we need to be patient. But there is a part of me that wonders if he might be right. I'm not sure I want to be "in the running" either. Is this call process a horse race? Am I in competition with my fellow pastors? I don't think so, but I wonder if that's how some PNCs view the process.

So, I pray for these committees and their discernment, as well as mine, knowing that God's going to land me somewhere that's right. But could it be soon, Lord?

More to Consider

I found out this weekend from the "Presbytery grapevine" that the pastor of a terrific, mid-size congregation in this city in the Bible Belt is leaving next month. For a long time, I have been imagining myself as the pastor of this congregation, but never believed that this particular pastor would be leaving any time soon.

I've also heard through "the grapevine" that some key lay leaders of this church have been asking my Presbytery colleagues about my potential interest in this call. Man, this would be a great call: we wouldn't have to move, the church is three blocks from my son's school, I wouldn't have to take my son out of his Spanish immersion program, I could continue in my Spiritual Director training with my group and my Spiritual Director.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!! There's always more to consider.

Since this pastor is going to be leaving next month, it will be 6 months or more (probably more) before they will be ready to begin the search process. I am certainly not arrogant enough to believe that I have a lock on the position, but it hearing about this has exposed my true feelings that were hidden even to me that I really would like to stay here in this city.

I am still rather keen on this congregation far, far away with whom I've been interviewing. I am confident that my husband and I will know what is right, when the time is right. However, sometimes I think God says to us,"This would be good *and* that would be good. You'll be useful and blessed whatever." All I know right now is that I am called to pastor a congregation and that I am languishing in my current position. I know that sounds awfully melodramatic-languishing- but that is exactly how it feels. Would I be able to wait potentially a year in order to be considered for this call, which I may or may not get?

Thanks for reading; if you're still reading, this stream of consciousness post. I feel like my brain has tilted inside of my head. Pray for me.

Just Breathe

This is morning I presented my final project for year one of Spiritual Director training, which was a six session plan for a small group to practice breath prayer. I led my class in one of the sessions and I thought that it was going to seem forced and bit artificial because of being evaluated and all. But, man, even with my lowered expectations, the Spirit showed up!

Breath prayer apparently was exactly what the group participants, including my Spiritual Director, needed this morning. After the period of silent breath prayer, we entered into a time to write in our journals and then a time to witness to one another about our experiences in the prayer time. The depth of sharing was incredible, as God had spoken to each us in surprising, unique and very intimate ways. It was actually a bit overwhelming, but only because I found myself fighting against the part of myself that doesn't like to risk vulnerability. However, since the leader of the group is a participant, I did finally relax, followed my breath, and God was there.

In breath prayer, you pray a word or short phrase or sentence along with each breath you take. This prayer form helps us to "pray without ceasing." You discover your breath prayer by imagining God asking you, "What do you want?" Then, you choose a name for God that is meaningful to you at that moment. For instance, if what you are seeking is comfort and your name for God is "Shepherd," then your breath prayer could be, "Shepherd, let me know your comfort."

My breath prayer this morning was "Spirit, help me to be ready" because I am in a discernment period and believe that my next call is imminent. As I was praying, I found that I was having a great deal of difficulty taking deep breaths. As I inhaled through my nose, I felt like something was blocking my breath. I tried breathing in through my mouth, but that was only slightly better.

I felt the Spirit saying to me, "I want to teach you something here. Relax, don't force. Part of 'being ready' is to resist your tendency to be impatient and to force. Trust me to 'ready' you and know that a congregation is being 'readied' too for your leadership." In my prayer, I also felt the freedom to "let loose" of a congregation I have been in contact with that I know in my heart is not my call. I've been holding on to them as sort of a life preserver because I am fairly certain that they would extend a call to me. (I know that sounds really arrogant, but that is the sense that I get from them.) I understand now that, in a way, my holding on to them is like blocking the breath of the Spirit.

Tonight I had a second phone interview with the PNC (search committee) from a different congregation. While some phone interviews feel like an interrogation, this was more of a meaningful conversation among friends. When I pray about this potential call, my breath is free and I am able to fill my lungs.

Friday Five: Companions on the Way

Songbird says: Dante had Virgil as a guide. Before he had younger siblings, my oldest child had an imaginary friend named Patrick. Betsy had Tacy. Laura Ingalls depended on her brindle bulldog, Jack. All of them were companions on the way.

As we take the beginning steps of our journey through Lent, who would we take as a companion? Name five people, real or imaginary, you might like to have with you as guide or guardian or simply good friend.

Mary Magdalene: During Lent, I like to read the gospels and imagine events through the eyes of one of the disciples. Usually I have chosen one of the Twelve, but this year I chose Mary.

Henri Nouwen: I am in a funk right now and Nouwen is always helpful for reminding me how loved I am by God.

My pastor-mommy friend: I have a friend in my Presbytery who is my age and is someone with whom I can be real. We talk on the phone at least once a week, but I am hoping that we will get together a few times face to face during Lent.

Mother Teresa: In 1994, during my Senior year of college, I travelled with a group to Calcutta to work in the Missionaries of Charity's ministries among the "poorest of the poor." I had the incredible blessing to meet Mother Teresa and, as you can imagine, it was one of the defining moments of my life. (I promise, Hipchickmamma, I will blog about it all one day!)

Sister Mo: When I returned home from Calcutta and began my last semester of college, I was in a bad way. It's always overwhelming when you're on the verge of graduating and launching into something else. I was overwhelmed by all that; however, I was also really needing to process my experiences in India and I was beginning to sense that the denomination that nurtured and raised me was not to be the one in which I would remain.

So, on my Spring Break that year I went to a Roman Catholic retreat center in a nearby town to pray, reflect, and rest. The director of this retreat center was Sister Mo. She met with me everyday I was there, usually in the hot tub, which was very cool. I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but what she was doing was spiritual direction. Her ministry to me made a huge difference in my life.

I am now in the first year of Spiritual Director training. This week, we are practicing journaling as a form of prayer. In our class on Tuesday, we were asked to choose someone who had influenced us spiritually and journal conversation with them. At first, I thought that this was just cheesy and wondered how it could be considered prayer. I am sometimes incredibly suspicious and resistant. However, this turned out to be one of the most meaningful prayer forms we have practiced thus far. I never would have connected what I am experiencing now back to that time in my life. If you are up to reading it, I would like to share with you the "conversation" I had with Sister Mo that day.

Mo: Would you like to join me in the hot tub?

Me: Oh- that would be wonderful.

Mo: I remember chatting with you here back in 1994- you were 21 years old.

Me: Yes, I came to this retreat center for some solitude and prayer during my Spring Break my senior year.

Mo: Why did you come here instead of heading to the beach with your friends?

Me: I needed some time to reflect. I was conflicted and overwhelmed spiritually, physically and emotionally. I needed to get away from my "normal" life for awhile.

Mo: Why was that?

Me: I was about to graduate with a degree in Bible and Religion. I felt called to be a pastor, but I wasn't sure I would be able to do that in my denomination. Also, I hadn't "recovered," so to speak, form my trip to Calcutta to serve with the Missionaries of Charity. Meeting Mother Teresa and doing the work there had been THE highlight of my life, thus far. However, seeing the immense poverty made me feel that everything I was doing here in the States was unimportant- sinful even.

Mo: Wow- you did have a lot to process. Now you're here in my hot tub again 13 years later. How is what you're experiencing now similar to back in 1994?

Me: hmmm..... Well, I feel like I'm on the verge of that "next step." I'm feeling like what I'm doing now is unimportant, superfluous- perhaps even that it's sinful for me to be doing what I'm doing. pointless- worthless.

Mo: Back in 1994, how did God speak? What did God communicate to you?

Me:That in my life and ministry, then, I was being called to finish school and continued to get prepared. God told me that there was a wonderful opportunity just ahead of me. God said, 'Be patient. you'll see!'

Mo: What is God saying to you now?

Me: God is saying, "I have called you to be where you are now. Finish your work with diligence and faithfulness. There is another wonderful opportunity just ahead- you'll love it. I will bless you and your family. Be patient. You'll see!"

Mo: God is good, all the time.

Me: All the time, God is good.

Square One

I've just told the PNC I spoke to on Tuesday night that I am not the one they are seeking. I feel very good about this decision. The kaleidoscope keeps turning and, for the time being, this piece of the mosaic is staying here.

I've Slept On It

This morning, my husband said to me, "I didn't say anything to you last night, but when you came out of our room after the phone interview, I could tell by your body language that you weren't very enthusiastic." He's right, I wasn't. Part of it was that I felt I rambled through the interview, but also I didn't feel that "spark" that I feel when I'm really clicking with people.

They seem like a wonderful congregation and it's in a beautiful location. I am concerned about several of the questions they asked me in the vein of "What are you going to do to attract new, younger members?" In my first call, I found out after I arrived that the underlying, unspoken expectation was that my mere presence as a, then 29 year old, young pastor was going to attract hoards of young families to the church. Of course, they weren't willing to make the changes necessary for that to happen and disillusionment set in.

I'm going to spend some more time in prayer.

It Begins

The Pastor Nominating Committee of a church two time zones away wants to have a phone interview with me. This is the only church I've submitted my PIF to since I began sensing that it was time to move on. This area of the country was not even on my radar, but I liked reading their Church Information Form so much that I decided to throw my hat in the ring.

I have two competing desires right now; the desire to stay and the desire to go. I desire to stay here because I do still love my congregation and my family loves this city in the Bible Belt. My son is in a great school where he is in a Spanish language immersion program. I am very reluctant to take him out of that great opportunity. There are absolutely no PCUSA churches in this area (except mine) that are looking for a pastor right now. Even if a pastor decided to leave tomorrow, it would be a year or more before that church would be ready to call a pastor. I know in my heart that God is calling me to go sooner rather than later.

I have no idea if this church that wants to interview me is my call or someone else's. The only way to know is to talk with them, have some serious heart to heart talks with my husband and pray- a lot.