A Stream of Consciousness Post

The main reason, besides sickness, that I haven't been blogging much lately is that I have been self-censoring a lot. All of the sudden, I am finding myself intimidated and I don't know why.

I need to get over it, so for just this one post, I am going to make myself not self-censor, and just write..... the good, the bad and the indifferent.....I think bullets will help me not worry about complete sentences....

• If the people in my church were any tighter with money, they could shove coal up their butts and poop diamonds. They are sitting on a half million dollars in a foundation, nearly $160,000 in CD's (roll-overs from past years' budget surpluses), and healthy pledges for a church this size. However, you ask them about spending any of that money and they get these panic stricken looks on their faces. When I have asked them to dream about how God might be calling them to use these blessings, they talk about pew cushions. It's frustrating. I feel like I need to preach Luke 12, the parable of the man who builds up his barns.
• We need a new mattress, so after church today I went to look at some mattresses at a store close to my house. I laid on several beds and there were a couple that I liked a lot. So, I asked the salesman for a piece of paper and a pen to write down the names and prices of certain mattresses. And he said to me, "No, you have to bring your own pen." I thought he just had a dry sense of humor and waited for a moment for him to grin and say, "Just kidding," but he didn't. I said, "I just want to write down some prices...." He interrupted my by saying, "Well, bring your husband by...." And I interrupted him and said, "I don't think so." I felt like I was in the Twighlight Zone. I guess he didn't want my money.
• My husband and I are going on ten years of marriage. It's hard right now. Sometimes I just want to run away. How not to become a statistic?
• Our roof has been replaced from the ice storm damage, but we're still waiting for the interior work to be completed in our dining room. Right now, we have some very pretty wallpaper that was here when we moved in. It has to be replaced because they had to cut out part of the wall becasue of water damage. Of course, the wallpaper we have now is out of print. I've never been a wallpaper person, so I'm thinking about having them paint instead. But then we have to pick out colors. I don't want to make decisions right now.
• We are finally mostly healthy, thank God. Thanks for your well-wishes.
• My kids are playing together peacefully right now, thank God. I think that they have been picking up that I'm not very happy right now. I have to protect them from my dark mood because it's not their fault.

Okay, I'm reading back what I've written and I am resisting the urge to press "delete" like I have a dozen times over the past month or so. Forgive the messiness of this post, but I fear if I don't post something real right now, I might not again for a long time.